My Inner Thoughts...

Don't Know Why I'm Still Afraid

2007-09-01T15:03:00.000-04:00

I'm really excited to start classes again Tuesday. To have something to fill may days with, and feel like I'm doing something usefull with my time. Minus earning money that I never can hang on to. Plus just being around people again I guess. Socializing with people I won't talk to again after December.

I've decided to go on the medication. And find a psychiatrist. Maybe we'll get somewhere with it. To fix the depression, the OCD, and the anxiety.

I wish.

It's exciting just to think about a nights sleep without waking up once.....have I EVER had that?

My birthday was unforgettable.

"Everyone was just really happy to see you so happy"

I was really happy. I had all of my best friends around me. I wouldn't have changed anything about it. I'm sure the others would have prefered a puke-free night, or black-out-free. But I guess that's all in drinking. Gotta love it.

So much to look excitment to look forward to....making it easier to block out the annoyances currently.

Does It Seem Like That Where You Are?

2007-08-22T21:16:00.001-04:00

It's really interesting to hear peoples first impressions of you, or even someones thoughts that has known you a while. I met someone a week or two ago and was told later that they thought I was "emo" and "depressed". This was after about 15 minutes of talking. While on the other hand a close family friend recently told me they thought of me as "someone who is very open. A 'what you see is what you get' type of person. Someone wired very differently then most people".

Something really frusterating is how easily you can get yourself down. You can have 10 good things happen in a day and as soon as one bad thing happens it's all you can focus on.

I don't have any complaints right now. I have a new car and a job I love. Plus I don't have to pay for school the next year, in fact I get a good amount of money back.

I have many underlining issues. Things that some day I really need to deal with. But almost for now, as bad as I know it is for me...it's easier to push out of my head.

Medication doesn't sound appealing for me, and why go back to thearapy when the last person told you there was nothing they could do for you?

I still have a lot to deal with, but I'm starting to think I may be able to turn out all right...

...Sometimes We Take Pills

2007-08-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

How do you fix something so broken it has all but turned into sand?

This has been building forever. And who knows when I'll explode, or if the previous explosions have been the worse of it. I've been told to just forget certain things. To just get over others. And worse of all...just forgive.

But it's not that easy right?

Years have effected this. 10 years of horrible friendships. 6 years resentment towards my parents, especially the last 2. Bitterness towards the one person I can sometimes talk to over all others.

I'm starting to get too content with my loneliness. It's exciting me to think about living completly alone in a town that no body knows me. How pathethic.

The only breath of fresh air I seem to get is the times I get with my two closest (and only) friends.....so maybe I'll be feeling better again in two weeks.

I'm broken and I don't want to be like this.

Tell All My Friends I'm Dead

2007-06-27T22:31:00.000-04:00

I've cried every night this week.

I'm sick of weighing out stuff on what I want to do and what I should do.

I hate bad timing.

I don't want to admit they were right.

I just want to be left alone in my room.

I hate my anxiety.

Panic attacks leading to pucking...

But most of all...the fact that all I want to do about it...

....is complain

Use A Smile As A Noun

2007-06-20T13:54:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of hearing what's wrong with me.
Sick of people trying to fix me.
Sick of being everyones second choice...

I'm everyones backup option. When their real best friend is busy, or when their boyfriends at class or whatever the case may be.

It's lonely being the backup...

My iPod broke today. It made me sick to my stomach.

So now I have a silent 2 hour drive home...

A few days vacation is what I need. I just hate driving back into town the first time. It's very bitter sweet. I get reminded of all the good times, and then all the resentment towards the people in the memories comes flooding back.

...this roller coaster is making me sick...

blah

Skip Through The Story Tell Me How It Ends

2007-06-13T20:46:00.000-04:00

It's days like today that keep my optimistic. Days where I know I'm studying the right thing in school. Were I get excited to go to my class and love every minute.

I love my Intro to Cinema. It's great that what others consider as "not having a life" means your the smart kid in class. The more movies you've seen the better. And I soak up everything we learn. Most I already know.

It was a good revelation when I realized I picked something I will love for the rest of my life.

Basically just realized today....

I'm in love

I'm such a mess...I'm doing the best I can

2007-06-11T20:02:00.000-04:00

Exactly one year later...

When thinking of the changes since leaving they are drastic. I guess as long as it's for the better that's all that matters right?

At least I don't regret anything. I had to move. I had to rid myself of certain people.

It's all in the past now so why worry about the fucked up year and a half I just pulled out of...

Starting fresh...new apartment, the kittens, a new job, awesome (true) friends, doing well for once in school.

Basically I'm trying to really grasp this fresh start and be really optimistic. If I tell myself I'm happy...I will be.

So if I say everything will be okay...it should.

(I hope)

I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life

2006-06-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound

Day One of summer and I find myself with a job. But I have to think positive about the fact that I walk through the door and they try to shove food down my throat. I could get used to that. And I get to wear jeans? Good excuse to get more then 2 1/2 pairs. I guess the test thing they had me take during interview numero uno I got the third highest he has ever seen. (The other two hired in as managers).

As we go on we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be Friends Forever

School ended on a pretty awesome note. Although I don't think it has sunken in yet. Senior Bon fire last night. Probably the most fun I've ever had a bon fire. Very wide range of people and it was tons of fun. I can't wait for many more awesome nights this summer...

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

She's A Rebel, She's A Saint

2006-05-29T09:04:00.000-04:00

"Good fucking morning beautiful"

This may just go down as one of the best weekends ever. It was my "we're done with school" party, only a week early.

Many new adventures. One each night in fact.

Could it get better...Couch by the bon fire? Swimming at 1 am? Off roading (to the point where I needed a car wash)? Ms. Pac Man? 'Senior bon fire'?

I had a realization during a heart-to-heart at 5 am this morning. 3 days of school, and then I no longer have to maintain a certain image. Not that I've been a kid obsessed with what people think...but it's high school.

I don't regret starting. But I will stop, I promise. Only 5 left then I'm good.
Awesome feeling.
The wait was worth it, although I would have never guessed that turn out.

I'm in love with my life, and the people that make it this awesome.

This will be hard to top...but I'm up for the challenge.

Don't You Forget About Me

2006-05-22T17:01:00.000-04:00

Chicago was awesome. I'm pretty much in love with the big city feel...everything about it. You can be as social or cut-off as you want all at the same time. The pace is awesome, just everything.

It's getting harder and harder for me to have any motivation what so ever in school though. 6 more days, easy right? I couldn't even make it through today going the whole day. Walked out in 4th hour. At least it doesn't go against me.

I need and want a new story. I'm alone all weekend...good chance right there.

June 10th looks impossible.

We Remember All The Times We Had Together

2006-05-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

Nachos taste better during the day
Knifes are dangerous in the wrong hands
Mexican's crack me up
Calling an embarrassing amount of people
Just to end up at their house
Moving my car how many times?
"Shut the fuck up bitch!!"
Black lights
Being flagged down in the parking lot
Not really working
7 turns to 8 turns to 9 turns to midnight fast
Awesome secrets
Who plants a bush in the middle of a corn field??....It was a deer
McDonalds is dirt ass
I heart farm houses
Road rage...turns out it was him
Justin serving us
Writing tabs to go with our song
The Tire Swings have a gig
Constant music
Making over his hair
Giant sing-a-long

Life is pretty priceless

Well I've Got Your Back, You've Got Mine

2006-05-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

Into The Woods
Swan Lake
Just So Stories

Prom = Awesome

And it isn't all about couples. 2 hours of sleep, creepy guys, memories for a life time. Way worth never being able to answer strange numbers again.

And how can you top that kind of a Monday?

Ass balls

I can't stop counting....for me there's only 13 1/2...what's better?

...Cause It's The Last You'll Ever Get

2006-04-30T21:28:00.000-04:00

The play is over and it ended awesome. Every night got a little better which is always good. There was a lot of laughter throughout today. Had to track down a cast member. Got one of the cutest most thoughtful gifts ever. And now it's all done.

It didn't only take 2 minutes to get over....It took 5.

My aunt is in the hospital and nothing has changed since this morning. Maybe surgery tomorrow, although that's the bad route. We're hoping it doesn't get to that. May be pulled out of school if it gets much worse.

Met the girl my dad has been talking to. She's cute, I suppose I approve. Never had to meet someone like that. A little bit awkward.

So Take A Chance And Make It Big...

2006-04-29T15:47:00.000-04:00

Opening night ended up being nothing like what I was hoping for. The programs were a disappointment. Being yelled at isn't fun. Being blamed for all of the mistakes isn't cool. Being sworn at, who likes that? And then getting 0 recognition.

Went home that night very upset. I just kept thinking how this is my last play and I should be enjoying it. So before the performance last night I sucked up my bitterness and hatred towards certain people and decided I was going to have fun with it. Well it worked and the Friday night show ended up going pretty flawless. One or two mistakes here and there, mostly light issues...which I guess is my fault? Ha.

Our traditional cast dinner was really fun also. Although looking at pizza at this point pretty much makes me want to vomit.

Two more performances. That's all I get. Then acting and performing will be out of my life. Sure I'll help next year, but I won't be a student, I won't be in the class and it'll just be a completely different feeling.

There's no better high then the feeling you get from any performing art. When you hear "House lights are going down, send out the actors" it's just the coolest thing in the world.

It's Much Better To Face These Kinds Of Things With A Sense Of Poise And Rationality

2006-04-21T23:42:00.000-04:00

This week has been so crazy. I have about a million and five things on my to-do list. If it weren't for the help from Hannah I think I might have died from now. But we joke about how I'm just "training" her for next year.

Uhh...65 hours spent at school this week. Compared to the normal 35.

Suppose to go in tomorrow for an hour or two. Matt says he's bringing me cookies, what a cutie.

Also have practise for a few hours Sunday.

Will the spiking ever get done?

Had to throw in the towel today at 7. I couldn't spend my entire weekend in that auditorium. We called Alex and hung out with him. I love how random he is. First a play with a K-12 school with less people then our senior class.

And I thought we were small.

Then a bon fire at some billionare's house. "Nothing they own cost less then $1,000". Crazy cool people. With a gay dog.

Made a new friend. Actually I should call him...I'm suppose to.

Went from another failed prom to having two dates today. I'm excited again, it should be fun.

As much stress as the play is, I'm completly loving it. Well...I will be once I recharge a little.

"If you're not stressed out, you're not putting in enough effort"

It's Sleeping With Roaches And Taking Best Guesses

2006-04-17T21:37:00.000-04:00

If there was one thing I could improve about myself, at the moment, it would be dealing with the results of stress. For one play I gained a ton of weight. For another I lost a ton. I guess for this play I'm dealing with extreme headaches and unfortenatly throwing up. I came home today and actually got out early which meant 5:30. I started working on the english project which I already spent 3 hours on yesterday. I finally gave up around 9 o' clock considering I'm maybe half way done, and after talking on the phone with my mom about how much I have going through my head right now I threw up 3 different times.

Luckily I'm only in 2 hours tomorrow because of a feild trip. I can't really complain much about the scheduale for drama, I mean 30 other people are dealing with the same thing. I just wish it didn't come with the side affects. Lack of sleep, getting behind in your other classes, changing your eating patterns and so on. If you could get it all done with the fun the entire time I'd be completly happy.

I can't deny that underneath it all I'm totally loving it. I mean this is the last play I get to be a part of, at least as a student. It's still up in the air whether I'm going to help next year, I guess I'll just see when it gets here. But my last play and there's only 14 days left. That's so incredibly sad to me. After that I go back to going home at 3 o clock, having nothing to do. No practise to look forward to. Not seeing the awesome drama kids day after day.

Ya gotta love the feeling of being in a play, but you can't hide that it all definatly comes with a price.

It's Time For Us To Take A Chance

2006-04-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

So the name of the game this weekend has been randomness.

Started at the mall with really cheap jeans. Then trying on dresses for prom, I think I may like one. I'm not picky so I knew it wouldn't be hard. Then back to Hannah's to memorize lines on the merry-go-round, but first I was attacked by a tree. I swear I was bleeding. Then back to her house for just enough time to come up with going to the apple orchard. Well turns out they are closed this time of the year, so we ended up in some hick ville for gas. Then into Owosso to see my sister. She was working and gave us free bread. And I guess she bought me a t-shirt, which I can't wait to get.

On the way home we didn't want to be done and home so randomly decided to do random pop-ins. First seeing Jake, then seeing Rachel. Then going with Rachel back to Jake's. The intent was a bon fire but we ended up only watching TV.

Most of early today I relaxed and didn't worry about anything until later in the afternoon. Hannah and I headed out for breadsticks because they were way over due. As soon as we walked in though we found Alex, who wasn't working so I don't really know why he was there. But he got us breadsticks and pop for under $2. Ken then magically got let out of work 2 hrs early so we all went to Best Buy until we decided a movie would be fun.

Ended up at NCG seeing 'Scary Movie 4'. Really funny. Took the ped calling some people. No one answered their phones so we ended up calling Alex back up. We didn't TP but we ended up at a bon fire with him which was really fun. It was like a bonfire on a lake which was the coolest thing ever. And met new friends; Dan aka "The hot one" and Mark. Mark sat and told us his life story, so random and open.

It's been pretty fun, and I love being able to drive around with my windows down but not have it so hot you gag. And coming home smelling like smoke. There isn't anything more summer then that. Except maybe having strawberries, kewi and green grapes.

And As They Say Here's To Oblivion

2006-04-12T20:51:00.000-04:00

It's crazy how tiny little things can completly make your day awesome or totally shitty.

I've been getting a lot of random txts and IMs lately...they make me smile.

The weather has been helping my mood. Although I admit I feel really numb lately. Things that should upset me do nothing, and things that should totally excited be nothing also. I feel so hollow.

I'm in love with my new CDs.

The play is getting to its stressful part. I have so much I could sit and complain about it, but it'd be pointless. In two weeks time I'll be ranting about how much I enjoyed it and how much of an awesome experience it was for me, and how theatre rocks above all other things. So I'm sucking up the shitty part of it.

My dad is all smiles since his date. And his 2 hour phone calls every night, and I think he has mentioned more then 3 times how he sent her flowers. A little proud of himself right there I think.

And my mom is extremly stressed with her business. Yeah...HER business. So where in there am I obligated to be at her side constantly? I feel like she puts me on a guilt trip when I have play practise. I told her to pretty much not count on seeing me until May 1st. Don't worry...I already know I'm a bitch.

I know we just had Spring Break but I can not wait for this long weekend. Maybe it's just the contents of it. I think all involved can agree it's been WAY to long. I'm excited.

Easter is Sunday. Meaning family time. And sounds like the only ones I enjoy aren't even coming. And I didn't even get the desert I wanted, instead we get the fake topping raspberries.

Word of Advice: Don't take your shoes off while on the stairs.

Also: Don't skip over tree trunks...some how they manage to bite ya.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep but I've had a headache for three straight days....

*all pointless*

'Cause Earl Had To Die

2006-04-08T18:24:00.000-04:00

Spring Break was awesome. So many memories and ended with us all dreading coming home to reality.
Some fine points would be my mom running into the door in the middle of the night.
Waking up an hour early for the sunset?
Plotting to cross the sea/river/ocean (it was a lake).
A boat to New York would only be 2 hours Tia?
Garage Man, and his pal Pooky.
Snowing.
Not getting our only wish...a thunderstorm.
Tia's Birthday.
Her being to snoopy for the ice cream cake.
It melted into semen.
Trying on 2XL clothes gets you yelled at, even if you don't take pictures in the store.
We never claimed our free coffee.
Feeling like family at the local bar.
The bar family...crazy local drunk, his stuffed dog, Jamie, Mad Dog, Sasquatch, his son kind of, Ma and Pa, and the 23-year-old birthday boy stripper.
We weren't old enough the second night?
Not old enough to stand on one side of the resturant...even though they didn't even ask our age.
Rent / Frequancy / Brokeback Mountain / The Fog / Ferris Bueller's Day Off / Murder By Numbers.
"Maybe it's like paint by numbers, those are easy right?"
Our homemade fire.
The rat poison cake.
Daily phone calls from Hannah.
The cript in the basement.
Plotting to make a movie.
Bondage at The Book Nook.
The cute store my mom is going to sell at.
Never seeing teenagers.
Coming out Pluto's ass.
Always making Tia do the dirty work.
Letting Tia walk in the alley.
"You kids go straight home, no stopping in the woods"
My mom dissapearing for way to many hours at a time, but never telling us where.
She's moving to London?
The art project.
Paper thin walls.
Tia screaming in her sleep.
Waking up to her weird looks.
Having Rachel visit us in the morning.
Plotting to 'do it' in the whale.
DDR / Mario Party / Donkey Kong.
Gets ya fucked up.
Tastes like sweet tarts.
Offered a round of drinks, but we're good kids so we said no.
Wal-Mart whore.
Used Beer.
Theme songs.
Spring Break Soundtrack.
Rachel making the song sound like porn?
Jake giving us the sex talk with the plate pieces.
You know what?
Writing on the fence.

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

We're Still So Young, Desperate For Attention

2006-04-02T14:03:00.000-04:00

It appears that someone broke into my car within the last 24 hrs and tried to steal my cd player. Awesome.

My weekend has consisted of getting ready for up north. Lots of cleaning and that stuff. Pretty much uneventful but at the same time I've been non-stop busy.

I'll never look at a garbage truck the same.

You can get breadsticks and only order a drink.

Took Kelly's Bubble Island-Virginity away.

Ate at an awesome resturant right near Tomato Brother's. Same type of place like the one in Greek Town.
Really good bread, made me smile.

Everytime I go to the eye doctor they always tell me something bad. This time, my eyes aren't getting enough oxygen. Therefore I'm growing additional blood vessals, the early signs of my 3rd eye tumor. Had to switch my type of contacts, had to get a stronger type also. And picked out new glasses. What fun.

My stalker was at Meijer's while I was grocery shopping for my trip. My mom tried to make it better, didn't help. I was stalked all through Meijer's, I almost barfed.

I'm All Right, I Tell Myself Twice

2006-03-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

...I'm a bitch
...I'm too independent
...I'm insensitive

It's interesting to know what others think about you when they are being candid.

Set building got cancelled for today. When we get back from Spring Break we have pretty much no time before the play. Every day we have, we need. But since we didn't have practice, and I finished my book today I needed to find a new one. So Tia and I went up to the mall to the bookstore. So much fun. After like, what...2 hrs in there? We finally each found a book. But when we're both finished, naturally we're trading. Any ways, on the way home...with Tia reading passages of her book to me...I got random inspiration to write my graduation speech. So here it is...

Thinking of what to write for this speech may just have been one of the more difficult things I have done in my years at this school. I was thinking, “What do I have to say to my class?” nothing of importance that’s for sure. I honestly wasn’t even planning on writing this all together. Eventually I decided to think about why I was protesting it. Maybe it’s my senioritis at it’s fullest. Or perhaps because we are way to close to spring break. But then I dug a little deeper and figured it was because I’m not all that close to many of you.
Thirteen years with some of you and how many do I truly know? I was always the quiet kid, pretty much kept to myself. Normally shy and never really ventured out of my comfort zone. But one thing my friends have always told me is I’m good with advice. So something I’d like to pass on is a quote I’ve always really liked. “Anything that’s successful is a series of mistakes". In everything that you do, and that you’ll do in years to come, you will make many mistakes; it’s apart of life. Just make sure that with them you learn something, otherwise what’s the point?
Another thing, life moves pretty fast, so try not to blink. It seems like just yesterday we were on this very stage performing the famous ‘Wizard of Oz’. Sometimes I feel we wish our lives away, trying so desperately to get our days and weeks to move faster. Don’t get me wrong; I want to be out of here as fast as the rest of you. Just sometimes I feel like we need to slow down a little. We only get this time in our lives once and we should take full advantage of it.
You can’t deny that we’ve grown up a lot in the last few years. Remember when we were in sixth grade, and we had a class meeting with our current principal. It was on St. Patrick’s Day and he discussed with us how our pinching got to out of hand. Also the tricks we pulled during 7th Grade Camp. If I recall a boys cabin put someone’s boxers on the flagpole, or something along those lines. And I know people still joke about the HBO night in Washington D.C. We entered High School all together, but very segregated. We all still had our little cliques and popularity groups. But as we’ve progressed through our years in this school we grown together and defiantly had some good laughs together. And we’ve become what I’m proud to be a part of, the Class of 2006.

Going Out At Night Looking For Distraction

2006-03-26T09:18:00.000-05:00

It seems like the only word that describes anything lately is 'crazy'.

Huge cop thing for 2 1/2 hours at my house Friday afternoon. Locked in my own house.

Movie w/ Ken. Got home way later then I should of, but way worth it.

Boink/Rydell concert with Tia and Rachel. Getting lost AGAIN on my way to Mason. Took, what? An hour to find it? Had creepy guy try and waltz. Eww. New CD comes out soon, I'm excited.

Brookshire for food. Tia gets half off, awesome kiddo. Should have split the peels. But now I have a second meal I guess.

Get out of Rachel's driveway and I received a drunk message from my father, who ended up crashing somewhere.

Then a call from my sister, laughing about the message she got, and say she too was staying somewhere.

I really am a good kid...home alone and nothing happened.

Alarm didn't go off...opps!

My aunt wants to buy my moms house. Meaning my cousin, (the one who is a model or something) may be moving to our school. I want him to move this school year so I can get him set up with cool people. He's an awesome kiddo.

Stuff happens so fast. My mom is busy packing right now, getting ready for a move in a week or two. So so crazy....

I only have to make it through 4 days of school. Then we leave Saturday, I couldn't be more excited.

There Were Hints And Allegations

2006-03-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

Out of all things that I hate, I think I hate standardized tests the most. I've never really thought they judge how smart a person is in any way shape or form. And I've pretty much always been bitter taking them. I choose not to take the ACT or SAT because I wasn't going to pay to be told, you suck at test taking...it's already a fact I live with.

I've known all along that I wasn't going to get the Meap money. But since they give you three tries, I figured I'd work my best at it. I stayed up last night way later then I should have working on the online test help and actually trying to pass this thing. I went to the reading one today and I just about threw up when the readings were about history. The only thing better could have been science. Every paragraph and sentence I wrote for the responce I sat there realizing I was going no where with my point. I pretty much gave up after my second supporting paragraph. I barely got out of the room before having a tear run down my face, I just wanted to go home after that.

I've never had less self confidence and more hate for myself ever in my life. I seriously just feel like an idiot. Between this, and the ones I had to do in October, and my wonderful basic math test that took I think a total of 5 tries, I'm pretty much the smartest kid there is.

GAhhh

I hate school.

I need nothing more then a vacation.....only 9 more days.

And only 42 more wonderful days of school.

I really will miss it. I think I am the most attatched out of the seniors I talk to. I'm just bitter, and frusterated, and in need of.....some ice cream and a hug.

After High School is over there will probably be more things I will cherish and want back then the things I hate. I should just look at the good stuff in this year. I've made so many new friends. And when will I ever be apart of a play again? The fear of being Pat is the only thing that makes me hesitate on coming next year. And when will I ever enjoy my lunch on the floor next to a vending machine ever again? And when will I sit and color in english and be told that it's prepping me for college.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal

You can call me Al

I'm in a better mood already. Thanks.

After All That We've Been Through

2006-03-19T01:13:00.000-05:00

It's really crazy how things can completly turn upside down in the matter of days, or even hours.

Sitting thinking today, actually I think I was driving...side track - I'm in a love/hate relationship with driving solo lately. I love doing it, but it's to much thinking time. And what is it about thinking and driving, and listening to music that makes you just break down? Anywho, I realized that last night was the last night I'm ever going to spend at my moms house.

My mom is moving to Dansville. They 'why' is really lengthy but yea, most likely before the end of April she will be out there. The reason I won't be staying at her house is because as of now I already have her stuff all over my room, and with the cleaning/packing process I won't be there. And in the new house my room is going to be an office, since realistically I won't be visiting on a regular basis.

Just crazy thinking about not being under my moms roof any more.

And never living with my sister ever again.

So many other things on my mind also, but oh man...this is just clouding it up to much. It's strange how over night a phase of your life can just be over. Something with you for 5, 10, or however many years. I'm ending with some good stories, and awesome new adventures ahead of me....

Jr. Mints & Cold Shower Tuesdays

2006-03-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today started with an experience that shouldn't have happened. Creepy.

After school practice was pretty fun though. Tia and I technically skipped half of it because we sat in the commons talking to Hannah and Kelly, but I really feel no guilt. I have nothing to do until set offically starts, which was later tonight. After practice though Tia and I went to Felpo to get stuff for Hannah. Then we went and picked up Coin Man and went to Ceaserland. It was a pretty fun trip, and I deffinatly kicked his ass in the police game.

Before going back to the school for another two hours working on the play Tia and I took our stuff to Hannah. She was in the shower when we got there so we just sat on her bed so we could scare the crap out of her when she came out. It was a pretty fun reaction and way worth it. We were able to sort of catch up for like an hour, making us only at Set for about 45 minutes but again, I really didn't feel to bad.

While there Paul came and talked to the three of us. It almost felt like a little intervention. To tell you the truth it felt so refreshing. I know, I'm crazy. But in the last 5 years of my life I have had no parental form what so ever. Following the divorce both of my parents turned into "friends" of mine and havn't set rules or anything. And I know that comes off crazy but it's probally a "grass is greener on the other side". Everyone wishes there parents didn't give a shit like mine, but I loved being told basically to shaped up...because he actually cares if we get hurt or in trouble. And I'm not saying my parents don't care about my well being it's just in reality I still should have certain guidelines, and being okay with certain things, as a parent...really isn't okay.

Then the 45 minutes we were at practise was fun. I wish it would have gone longer though. I don't regret in anyway getting there late, but it's really fun. The only people that show up are pretty much the only ones in the class I can stand. And it's just fun working when you're around people you can have fun with. Set days are my favorite. But yea, then gave some rides home and ended the night on an fun note.

I've had this stress in the back of my mind though. It's now been the result in some pretty horrible dreams the last few nights and I'm seriously starting to get freaked out. Sometimes I really concern myself...

Where are you?
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight

So Take The Photographs, And Still Frames In Your Mind

2006-03-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

I got home and flopped down on my bed. Didn't even turn the lights on. I was the only one in the house and everything was just still. I opened my shades and watched as cars pass. I love this time of the year. You can just feel in the air that summer is around the corner, and yet you still can't leave the house without a sweatshirt. A few cars passed, most going way to fast for my street, and it only took a few minutes before I realized how badly of smoke I smelled. After brushing aside the fact that I smell could lead to more speculation on what really goes on when I spend hours in more room, it made me think of the Spags days. And I laid there for a really long time, with memories just flooding back to me.

Remember when we yelled at people from inside the boat?
Remember when we had to ride our bikes everywhere?
Or how about getting rides from our parents?
Remember stealing the cardboard cut out?
And our awesome Green Day concert.
How about the cowboy hat?
I'll never forget the day in the park, with the ducks.
Remeber the trips to 'The Pits'?
Or how about when we were "resturant sluts"?
How about the crazy Christmas present?
Remember how we used 'obese' on a daily basis?
And when I was going to put sticky notes on that guys car?
I still wish you had stuck your gum in that kids hair.
Remember our quote book?
I'm still slightly confused as to what that whole 'Cake' thing was...
And the text about "stopping" still makes me laugh.
Once again, thanks for shaving.
Remember how wax amused us for way longer then it should have?
And who even knows what numbers we're at, I think we left off at 66?
"Her boyfriend was into weird shit"
Remember the night we couldn't even pay to leave Bubble Island?
Or when we played Connect Four? I'm still champion...
And once again, there is no Frank
Remember figuring out the 'First Class Bathrooms'?
Or reading on the floor in the book store?
Better yet, that lady hearing us talk about "it could be hard"?
And who can forget when you got stuck in the sweater, and I had to undress you?
One of these days I will rule at tripping, PS.
And how sweet was the night we were all talking until 5?
And even though I'll never understand the rules, I won't forget that 'Snowflake' game.
Or farther back, how about when Catch Phrase was the thing to do on a Friday?
And Thursday's was what we longed for.
And when we way overused the phrase "Do It".
I loved when we would go swing, just for the hell of it.
Or the time we danced in the rain?

Some memories you just hang on to forever....

"I live for nights I'll never remember, with friends I'll never forget"

It's Stupid, Contagious

2006-03-08T19:21:00.000-05:00

Just because I'd rather not be home doesn't mean I'm a bad kid.

And just because I stay in my room, keep to myself, doesn't mean I'm a pot head.

And I don't have a job not because I'm not motivated, but maybe because I have my mothers perspective on growing up. And I'm not sorry for that.

And I'm not sorry that I found people I enjoy being around, and you arn't one of them.

Or that I don't want to choose any more.

I also don't feel bad about being selfish. That's suppose to be my day to shine, back the fuck off.

And I'd rather be overly concerned then not give a shit about you.

And no I'm not falling over the edge, I'm a long ways away from it. I have a good hold on my life don't worry, and awesome friends that would slap me if I loose focus on that.

I can't change the fact that I was lazy when I was younger. But I'm paying the price now, what more can I do?

I'm not going to sit here and regret my mistakes, can't I just learn from them and move on?

It's also not my fault that you screwed up my perception of a good relationship.

And I'm not really sorry if you feel this is complaining....when in fact this is me telling you, I just don't care.

I don't care about your judgement, or the disgusted looks you give me. I don't care if you're concerned, I have more important people that watch out for me.

Can you take this life
Can you make it right
Do you have the words to say to make it
All go away
You act so wise and so refined
You can keep your lies 'cause I'm
Never gonna go your way
What's wrong with the one I'm leadin
What's wrong with a little fun
Everybody needs to find their something

Guess I Don’t Really Know, What I Was Thinking

2006-03-05T18:43:00.000-05:00

I can't do wrong, I can't do right
I wish someone could feel
And understand the way I think
The note she left it took me by surprise
Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall
This is becoming too routine for me
It's my fault that it fell apart
Look at all the things we've been through.
She’s been thinking, wishing she could hide
And everything happens for a reason
Can't you see my front is crumbling down
Why do I want what I can't get
I know I talk in circles
I check my caller ID now there's every number but the one i want to see.
She's gonna break soon

Sometimes I Give Myself The Creeps

2006-03-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

Got an extra day off. Something I wish I had known ahead of time, could have done stuff Wednesday night. Woke up and got ready for school. Nobody informed me on the snow day. By the time I was all ready I was awake, and never went back to sleep. Got chocolate milk and donuts. Watched Price is Right, eventually ended up at Best Buy, Bubble Island, DDR, Riding the bike in the house, Danielle's w/ a kid from camp.

Tried the massage stuff Friday with my mom and Ashley. I'm seriously already addicted. I want to start going after school. Even if it doesn't help with anything, it feels good and is free. I'm hooked. Ended up hanging out with some new kiddos. Some Lansing stuff, a random Mason thing. Fun night. Got home at 3, second night in a row. So sleep deprived.

Massage stuff again. Then a birthday party at Spag's, I can only take so much of little kids. Headed out an hour early for the concert. Went for pancakes, didn't even order any. Got lost...good thing we left early on accident. Got in free because Tia stuck her hand through the mail slot in the door. I love live bands. Boink was awesome, Rydell was sweet too...I think they do all cover songs though. I knew a lot of their stuff. Met Justin, got Tia a picture. He's a friend of the bands, I think the hot bass guy talked to us. Tried to go to Cold Stone, had random girls run out of no where. Went to Melting Moments instead. Then the bookstore. Got home at 11, earliest in who knows how long. Got home and had random people in the my house...all using my blankets from the basement. Got upstairs and saw the only blanket on my bed was the sheets. Couldn't go to bed until they left...where I am now.

I hate that I'm protective. I don't think it's appreciated and it's pretty much a boring characteristic. That night was what made me spaz, causing me to clean. I've never freaked that much in front of someone. I hate the feeling of being in charge, and if I say 'no' it'll only leave to disappointment. The worst emotion in the world. If I never wanted to again would you still hang out with me? And my point was proved, not wanting to just once made me dumb.

Deep down I love it, which maybe that's the problem. I don't want it to be the habit and be expected.

You win.....you always fucking win....

No, it's not the last time
'Cause i'd never say no to you

So close to drowning but I don't mind

Snap Back To Reality

2006-02-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

I don't really care for Mondays. Not because I'm exhausted from the weekend. Or because I am back in school. Or around people I don't want to be seeing. And not even because that's when I switch houses and it messes up my sleeping. But because you get thrown back into reality.

I laid in my bed for hours last night. Lists running through my head. Everything I've been ignoring and putting off. Even lame stuff that matters to nobody but me. Lying there I realized it is almost March and I hadn't even applied for fucking college yet. After school I got a print out of my transcript. That made me sick. I really wish I cared as an underclassmen about college. I always used to think...oh, college is so far away. Those first two years killed my GPA. But whatever, not like LCC even cares. Do I really care? Actually I kind of do, because I know I'm capable of better. Hopefully I'll be able to ingrain that in the kids I probally won't have.

I want to be out of here so bad. So much is ahead that I can't wait for. The only reason I want to stall it at this point is all the things on my never ending list that need to be completed by June.

But good news, finally applied and have been accepted. Not that I would have been turned down...but it's offical. Scary.

My printer now works. How awesome.

Frightening how much my mindsets have changed even just within a week or two....

Why is it when I push you out of the picture, you have to complicate things and pop back up?

The thing I love about Mondays....is my goal for the day is always filling my weekend. So I have stuff to look forward to.

Thursday....Friday....Saturday

Can't Wait.

We're in the home stretch...

This Place Is So Lame All These Girls Look The Same

2006-02-26T01:47:00.000-05:00

School was pointless Friday. In every class we did nothing, and yet the day went forever. Classes were like 20 minutes short, but the day just wouldn't end. The Senior/Staff game was actually really fun. Lutzke and Paul D. were the M.C.s for it, which made it pretty funny. They basically ripped all the teachers and students apart. The pep assemblly was no different then any other. Actually, the speech that Duffey gave was really cool. Every year he does a poem for the basketball guys. This one was so much cooler with it being us as seniors, our guys out there. I don't even care about those people, or basketball...but for about 3 minutes there I felt involved in school or something. Drama was happening left and right though the last few hours of the day. Crazy stuff.

Went into Okemos which was sort of crazy. Then ended up at Tia's. We jammed quite a bit and by the end of the night, not only have complete lyrics for a song. But also the main guitar tabs, most likely the bass with it if we keep it like that. And the tune for the chorus. We were just on fire. And I say major kuddos to us for not really having any chicken and mountain dew.

Follies was a ton of fun. Probally the best part was dinner. Laughing so hard and nothing really. That's the most fun I've had at dinner for one of the dances. The waiting sucked, but wow. Gotta love those kiddos. Also my house later was hilarious. Trying for at least a half hour to get a simple story out of Hannah. I hate how the best quotes are those that you can't repeat. I've been sleeping like crazy lately.

I love live CDs.
And who brings out 3 on one day?
Why is it that freshman scream when excited?
I hate fake compliments.
I love mass confusion.
I'd rather 'no' instead of 'no vibe'
The $200 got my hopes up
Why is it when I have a mile long list, I ignore it because it's overwhelming?
I liked the piercings.
I'm always okay.
Karma makes me laugh.
58 more...

Ring Out Under The Midnight Hour

2006-02-20T23:51:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been so crazy. Nothing has gone to plan, and I don't mean that in a disappointing way. Just so completely strange.

Why are you so civil?
And why are you mad?
Why are you never around?
Why do you feel absent?
And I have no idea what to say with you lately.
Where did that call come from?
And why does it seem like we are the only normal ones?

Watching Rent twice. Not watching it, but more or less catching up. Spags. Late night confession. Cooking you lunch. Making phone calls. Mooching pizza. He's really not that bad. Giggling for a half hour. Bonding from 3 - 4 am. Waking up at 7:30, wtf? Boxing lamps. Cleaning. 38 hours straight together. Old times. Catching up. Rhyming dictionary. Jam session. Church. Sex and the City. Hours working online. Desperate Housewives. Reading. More reading. Getting plans texted to me. Cat sitting phone call. Finding the building in the ghetto. Way to much money. Your G-Ma's. Having a lunch adventure. Marshal Music. Music orgasm. Making necklaces. 48 new CDs. "Forced" dinner. Ending up back over there. Slidding on the floor, almost bad. Knowing how to use your printer. Wifeswap. My house not really feeling like home. Attempting to clean. More pictures missing, even though I found the ones Jake moved. Never ending importing. Finshing the book.

Seeing the stuff you're going through, and that I haven't been around killed me. You're going through so much right now, and I've been caught up in stuff that seems silly. I should have been there more. I feel like I've let you down. I can't believe that chapter is completely closed in my life, I would have never guessed.

Time spent with the people you care most about...truly priceless.

Where Is The Love

2006-02-14T21:21:00.000-05:00

Today has seriously been one of the coolest days in the world. Normally I'm negitive on Valentines Day and just try to make it out alive, but seriously today rocked. First my alarm went off, and I hit snooze. I've never gone back to sleep before I normally just suck it up but I went back to sleep and the extra 10 minutes were wonderful, I loved it.

Then I don't know what else really made it great in the morning but I was just in a good mood. Second hour they passed out the candy things from the Spanish class and I got one from Hannah with a rose which was pretty sweet. Because then the rest of the day people asked about it, and that was just fun. English for the first time ever I didn't leave wanting to kill someone. But today we listened to love songs, half of which were disney songs by Kelly, and we ate food. And I planned out weekend stuff with Kelly which made me more and more excited as the hour went on.

Lunch was fun, but that's an every day thing. Then 4th hour, didn't go. Sat in the library with Hannah because we had a sub, and her and I just talked all hour. Tia even joined us towards the end. Drama the paly was decided: The Three Musketeers.

After school did errand stuff until 4, then picked up Hannah. We went to Sir Pizza which was a date we planned at least 2 months ago probally. We got there and they told us they didn't do the heart shaped pizzas at that location, but then he said "I guess it wouldn't be that hard". So he made one special for us. What an awesome kid. So we had our pizza which for some reason was just way to fun.

We had planned on visiting coin man for breadsticks, so we purposfully didn't order any with our pizza but then when we got in my car it wouldn't start. That was quite...interesting. Actually I didn't spaze which if I was alone I might have. But instead Hannah wrote a song, while I sang her songs from Chicago (because randomly I have a piano book in my car)...as we waited for my dad to pick us up. It like made her day some how, in the aspect that she'd never experienced something like that. It made the whole situation a lot lighter strange as it sounds.

I got home and bonded with my mom for a while and we just talked. Then I remember the special Price is Right was on so we watched part of that ( a guy got the $20,000 on plinko!). Then we took a trip into Target and picked up my car, because my dad called and he magically fixed it. But while in Target I ran into this kid that I sat next to in my Spanish class as a sophomore (she was a senior) and she sat and talked to me. Not that we were friends or anything, which made her talking to me so much cooler. Her and a few friends were dressed up really cute and they had all gone on a date with each other. I told them about my pizza story and they were jealous. But seriously, she made my day...I havn't seen her in over two years and we rarely even talked while in that class an entire year together. To top it off, while writing this my dad handed me $5 that I guess came in the mail from a relative. Random! Days like today just make life awesome. Our Song:

"The best Happy Valentines Day Song on the face of the freakin' PLANET!"

Oh Saint Valentine...
It's so somewhat cold outside.
And we're stuck in a car
And it's not even by a bar.
The engine won't turn over
I want a red dog named Rover
I wish I had some candy
Because that would just be dandy
I've always wanted a homie named Randy
To take me on a date
And my mom would beat him up
If he ever picked me up late.
Oh dear Valentine
Please make it warm outside
My poor car died
And now I can't drive

It's the Tire Swings first big hit...although Hannah says it isn't finished.

Much Love

One Day I Woke Up Woke Up Knowing Today Is The Day I Will Die

2006-02-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

So really the whole thing wasn't that bad. Well, I guess it depends on which part. I woke up yesterday just like I would for school, same time...how annoying. I hoped that I could at least sleep in. Drove into wherever this place is. I got in immediatly because I was like, the first kiddo in the morning. The nice nurses immediatly gave me the laughing gas, and was talking to me. I was really quiet, manly because of how tired I was. I purposefully stayed up late the night before, haha....fear of not being able to be put out.

So they drugged me and attempted to find my vein, which I now know are really really small I guess. Then they talked to me about Sound of Music. Before I know it I'm out, and yet being able to hear the doctor, "last one". The ride home was fun, I was like mesmerized with how weird my lip felt. Got home and attempted to eat malt-o-meal with my drugs. My eye hand cordinationg was off just a little, and my whole mouth was numb...so there was stuff everywhere. I was laughing at myself, and glad no one was watching.

Talked to Hannah which made my day more fun. Also got calls from my mom, and Nolen. Got some cute IMs from Becca, Rachel and Ken also. I'm so loved, lol. Hannah even stopped in for a few minutes to give me Charlie and Chocolate Factory.

Finished Desperate Housewives. Wathced Price is Right, Guiding Light, Ophra, 70s Show, OC, Madagascar. That movie cracks me up, although it sort of hurt to watch.

The first time that was really painful was after my first nap. Woke up and the swelling was gone, and the pills had worn off. This morning REALLY hurt to. I like rolled over and was like, "oh fuck". But I'm working on the stuff kicking in.

My dad says I'm pretty happy acting considering. I told its because I would go through that then school any day. Isn't that sad? I'm all alone tonight, he's going to my grandmas. He was suppose to Wednesday, but ended up being at work until 11:30. So I'm alone. Tomorrow I'm probally going to do something, but he doesn't want me driving. So that may be interesting.

Aside from this break from school Wednesday night was what I needed most. I've been so, I don't even know how to explain my emotion the last week. But all I needed was some 'catch-up' time or something. I dono, I loved it.

I Came In Through The Window Last Night

2006-02-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

This week has been actually not to bad. I've had company while I'm a TA which helps because most days I'm so bored I'd like to shoot myself. And drama has been enjoyable. Did the monologue today with Hannah in Tia's place. It went awesome, because we are all cute.

I'm going to die tomorrow.

Thankfully I stocked up on movies to watch. This weekend, uhh...At least next week is only a 4 day week, or maybe 3 for me. Then a long weekend. That'll make up for me getting ripped out on this weekend. Can not wait for next weekend.

I knew that'd happen....we are so lame it makes me laugh.

Made cookies today, it went crazy though. Stupid dog ate half of them. Dogs are useless. I will forever and always own cats.

I love my Jones bottles, the special ones.

Nothing else of importance, (not that any of this has been important)....just wanted to write before I died I guess. I could attempt one tomorrow on my drugs, could be interesting.

Funny How Those Memories They Last

2006-02-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

Last week was horrible. Seemed like something shitty happened every day.

I've felt on my own this week. No ones fault...just everyone seems busy. I'm getting restless.

You've been on my mind lately, if though I shouldn't be thinking it. Makes me think of when times we're easier. Everything was inocent and we were all young....

Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet

I really have no point in writing today. Nothing has happened. Next week will be just as shitty. Isn't it horrible that Thursday I get my wisdom teeth out, something kids dread. And yet I am looking forward to not needing to be at school. I keep thinking "I just need to get through Wednesday". That's how bad school has gotten lately.

Mainly it's just english. I have major senioritis, then I put effort into things and you give us no break. Has anyone ever gotten full credit? Any one that saw the poster loved it. Gosh...I hate that class. And not like LCC even cares about 4 years of english.

I want nothing more then to go back to those days. I'm probally insane for thinking it could be that way again though, right? I feel so alone in this.

I can't do wrong, I can't do right
I feel so alone tonight
I wish someone could feel
And understand the way I think
They got me on the brink
Of self destruction
I wish someone could feel

"What did it ever do for me" I Say

2006-02-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

No wonder I did it.
Because of days like today.

Got woken up a half hour early
Sat around waiting, only to be late
Fucking 'Clue' posted every where
Hole punch ate my project
Shit all over my new jeans because of the night art class
Non-stop talking about fucking 'Clue'
Poster wasn't good enough
Poster ripped
Feeling sick
People don't know when to shut up
Pointless projects
Bitch work
Still feeling sick
A whole other poster for tomorrow
Taking it 3 FUCKING TIMES

Good things:
Hot chocolate
Text messages during 6th hour
Ripping the poster into millions of pieces

It isn't good when the bad over powers the good by that much...

And on top of it, this week I've finally come up with a decision on college. What happens? Get another phone call from Baker, they tell me all new information, once again. Guess what? They do have video classes...in Clinton Township. An hour and 20 minutes away.

I love it how when you are extremly stressed, or upset it's always the most unlikely of people that come through and make you feel better, and the people that should have your back suck. Why is that?

75 more days

Seriously...

I love life

As I’m Walking I’m Trippin On My Own Feet

2006-01-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

Fuck the judgemental people.

It was a self-learning weekend, and it caused me to confront some issues...and I don't regret any of it.

Friday went shopping. Walked around the mall for way to long, got extremly tired. Stopped at peoples houses for a bit. Called Danielle. Awesome kid. Visisted Tony/Frank. Ended up at the Brookshire. Had free chicken, fries and Mountain Dew. Had random phone calls throughout the night. Tia made sure I got home safe, extremly paranoid. Hannah fell up the stairs. I woke up in the middle of the night with no shirt on...still confused on that one. Got laughed at by my sister, I guess I said "I love you" a ton of times.

Saturday, slept in. Got a hold of Hannah and took pop bottles back to pay for my parking ticket. Plotted out the night, got a hold of Tia. Ordered pizza, ate. Called some people. Hung out with Pat. Got back to my house. Made some stupid phones calls. So tired we fell asleep by 12.

Woke up this morning and made Hannah some chicken. Hung around for a while and watched the rest of Desperate Housewives disc 5. Talked to some people online/phone and got yelled at. Called Kelly up and she came over. I felt much better afterwards, talked for an hour or two.

It's out of my system. Experiencing it took the voodo feeling away and is no longer a big deal to me. It'll be a while before doing that again. I thought of writing this a few different times throughout the day today. I'm glad I put it off though because my feelings have changed drastically since I went to bed last night.

I don't need to explain why I did it
and I don't need you to be concerned.
I don't need you to act like one of my parents
or to take care of me.
I need you to laugh it off with me,
or offer your help in a bad situation.
I don't need you to look at me like that.
I need a friend, who understands and doesn't judge.

"A tastin' from the tree of temptation"
"You gotta be yourself to be happy"
"I think it was better yesterday"
"So bombs away and as they say
Well it's over now, it's over now "

"...After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

Can I Lay In Your Bed All Day?

2006-01-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

Why do they always do this to me?

I was finally set. I had made up my mind and was going to put it off until the play is over. The play is over and now they bring up a new option. And it isn't that it isn't a good idea, it actually makes more since. It's the end of January and I havn't decided yet. Goodness.

Why are they on the same side. They both think that it would make more since, and it does. If I could live there I would do that. I can't live at home. Not because I can't stand 'home'. I would live here in a heartbeat if I could. I just know I'll get in a slump. I won't bother meeting new people, because all my friends would be still as close. A fresh start is what I need. He understands that, he says he wished the same thing.

If money wasn't an issue.

It's their fault it is an issue.

Maybe my problem is I run through my head deep down over and over, "if you don't think about it...it won't happen". I'm scared to death. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Any one in my grade seems to already know what they're doing. If not, then I think we're all faking it here. Then anyone else I'm close to doesn't have to worry about this for another year or two.

While I'm at it....Fuck Calculators.

Sounds like he is okay with no job. He never came out and said it but he realizes the complications. You have no idea how happy that makes me. April 27th is the next play, which means early April we get extremly busy. By the time I found one I'd need to quit. To bad the last job turned bad, I could walk in there tomorrow and start and leave whenever I wanted. I picked the days of the week I wanted and everything. If only they weren't located where they are...

Feburary 9th I'm going to die.

I never realized it until now...but I really do love flowers.

It drives me nuts I can't get you out of my head.

I looked into your eyes today and realized how proud I am of you. I strive for that courage...

'Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it.
I'll keep singing this lie, I'll keep singing this lie.

I Don't Need Your Sympathy Or Apologies

2006-01-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

It was getting to the end of our lenghty conversation when she said to me, "You know, I really miss you...". I hung up the phone and almost cried. I didn't realize it until just then how much we've drifted since summer. But that's what happens every year. We're best friends during the summer then we have our own lives and fade. Sure we'll always be close but...I just don't want to ever loose that bond completly.

And why are you both so fucking stubborn. Your to stubborn to admit you were wrong, and he's to stubborn to ever take her back. I don't understand it. It would piss me off if everything worked out in a way. Because you fucked my life up once and it would have all been for nothing.

She wanted a change in her life and that meant leaving. Most people get a new hair cut, or more drastically a car but who just ups and decides they're done. I don't understand. I'll never understand you. And now you're being nice, for what?

On the other hand I don't blame him for his stubbornness. Why would you take that back. After what she did, with no reason. Her loss.

It would make so much more sense sure, and a lot of things would be easier if it worked but we're not living in a movie. I'm putting it out of my head.

Went shopping today. I had to do something now that I have nothing. No practices...nothing. I havn't hit the reality of it yet and I don't want to. Reality stings. I'm glad to have a break and to rest from that group of people, but the last week although is the most stressful is the funniest week...and now it's done. But the next one will approach probally way to soon. Sounds like April 27th.

I hate feeling mean, or feeling selfish. Am I being selfish right now? Isn't it a situation where I'm suppose to be. I'm suppose to think about my happiness right now first, right? To make them happy would go against everything I want. I hate when people try to give their opinion to. I felt horrible reading the message last night..."Im sorry"....what was I suppose to say. I don't know how I get myself into these things all the time.

Nice Personality

2006-01-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

We've had 5 performances so far. 3 teasers, and 2 actual ones. And now we're down to the last two nights. All the stage crew and lights and all us cool people were discussing last night how everything was flawless. Stuff was moving fast, and it was just so much fun. This week is going by so fast I hate it. I'll never understand how you can be so close to about 40 people for about a week, but the 3 months leading up to it you'd love to kill every single one of them. I wish our class could have been like this since August. It happens every time though. There is something about a performance that gives the cast, crew, pit and any one involved a whole new bond.

After the performance last night we did our traditional dinner. We all went to pizza hut and it was pretty crazy. I mean, Justin gave a mini speech, I have Neil rapping for me on camera. Some ridiculous pictures from the table behind us. It was an awesome night.

The good thing about being this ridiculously busy is I have no issue sleeping. As soon as I lay down I'm completely out, it almost hurts. Driving home last night was awesome, singing to 'Bye Bye Birdie' sent me back a year. That play will always be awesome for a number of reasons, but this one is also climbing the charts. I've never before put so much of myself into something. And that's the only frustrating thing for me. Unless you see what goes on behind the scenes or have done a play before you only see the actors. I had people commenting on the play and they assumed I had done hardly anything only because I appear in one scene. It stings to do so much and not get the regonition you should, but I guess that would be greedy. When it comes down to it, the important people that really matter appreciate it.

I only went to school yesterday for one reason, then it turned into the worst day in the world. 1st hour I couldn't keep my head up. Then second hour I was bombarded by a stupid audition video that was apparently due yesterday. She gave Chris and I exactly a week to pull this off, but it was during finals and a play. Bitch. Well its done, but it caused me to miss my 3rd and 4th hour. And lead to a break down at lunch. But that was mainly from sheer embarrassment. That's okay, we all have our little secrets.

"The reason you pull this off, isn't because you yell, isn't because you have power. It is because every single person here has respect for you"

Gotta love that kid

So bombs away and as they say
Well it's over now, it's over now
She's gone, yeah and he won't go away

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music

2006-01-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

I spent 16 straight hours at school today.

The play opens tomorrow, and I can firmly say we are ready. Everything is amazing. Seriously, I am nothing but excited to bring this to the public. We have put so much into it, we deserve responce out of it. I can't wait to see that auditorium filled with people just to see us.

I have blisters on my hands. I've had a headache for about a day and a half. Stress has made me sick to the point of throwing up. I slept for about 2 hours worth last night.

But minus all the bad things, seriously the pay off of a play, on top of that a musical, is so outstanding. That's what its all for, its down to the last four days and I can't wait.

After everything this class has been through and how much has been put into it we need a huge crowd. It's going to rock, and I can't wait.

I'm A Fucked Up Kid Is What They Said

2006-01-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been pretty crazy. Not physically, but a lot of realizations have happened and stuff like that. And every day was exactly what I needed.

Friday was going to Grand Rapids and getting my mic. Seeing my Aunt Judy, then running home in time to see Hannah and Tia. We went to Bubble Island and a freaky movie, Wolf Creek. I don't plan on going to Australia any time soon now. Saturday I laid around all day which was wonderful. Watched a lot of tv. Then got breadsticks, and went to Meijers for a bit.

Yesterday Hannah and I pretty much talked hours on end at Bubble Island while playing Connect Four. I'm pretty sure I am the champion, but if you talk to her we just had dozens of practise rounds. Then we ended up getting breadsticks again, and I have no idea why. Finally ending at Hannah's where we randomly jammed out, and watched Se7en. Weird shit right there.

Today practise from 11-7, and I may not survive.

Sometimes I hate feeling like I have to be everyones wall. I have to be the strong one, because does it help the situation is everyone is freaking out? I do this at home, with my friends, and at school. People that don't know me probally assume I never get stressed or freak out.

I'm fucking freaking out. About everything. Lay in bed for hours hoping time will just stop. It's all pretty much a waste of time though, I can't fix it.

I've had way to many people on my mind this weekend. I mean, you've been gone for a year....you fucking hate me...God I wish you went away....the other kiddo is never allowed to leave....I don't think I could get more disapppointed by you....

And on it goes

"I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind"

Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

2006-01-10T18:20:00.000-05:00

It's crazy to me how some things are just so awesome. They can just completly turn your day around, or put a smile on your face when you're pissed off at the world.

Playing with wax
Bubble Island
"...To days of inspiration playing hookie, making something out of nothing..."
Barely making it to the gas station
Goofy Pictures
Reminiscing over summers past
Being able to make you smile
Letters from camp
Being giggly
Quotes that only we understand
Quiet one / Loud one
Ducks at the park
Turning into a phone person
Not being able to say no to you
Too young for Ceaserland
ICUP
The Tire Swings
Chocolate/Carmel
Jenga

Practise last night actually went well. We used sets, we sang with the pit and I think everyone important was there. For once I left having a good feeling about it. I mean we actually have a chance. Yesterday was all I needed. I hate how plays put you through emotional rollar coasters. I mean, you want it to be over with and all that leading up to it. And yet through the rehearsals for once you just have a blast and love it, and like being around the people and you don't want those few days to end. Then it's over, and you go from working on it every single fucking day to having nothing. You feel so empty. It's like going through a break up with 30 people because all of a sudden they just arn't there.

Some things I may have taken for granted again and again,
well here's what was said then
Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

For The First Time I Know This Is Now Who I Am

2006-01-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to hold onto today as long as I can. It's the last time I can breath for two weeks, even though it's not working out to well. I just want to get through this in one piece.

Everytime I figure everything out in my head something new comes out. I want to just be content. I would love to just feel good about everything and not have anything bad to worry about or try and fix. Maybe that's what retirment is all about. Watching Price is Right all day, playing golf, baking way to many cookies that you don't need, playing cards with the neighbors...and just being happy.

Sounds like we're on the same page again. Which is a relief. I was glad when you didn't feel good. The thought scared me to death. It was a crazy night, but lets leave it back then, during break, where it belongs.

Muskegon scared me to no end. Being to far away to visit, knowing you wouldn't or couldn't come see me. I only pretended to be okay because it was the only option. The lady on the other end of the phone was exactly what I was looking for. There is another option. They didn't tell me about it before. I'm glad I was home that night, I wasn't suppose to be. She said I could go to Owosso....25 freaking minutes away.

I have support from the one person I thought would try to change my mind. She said it's a great idea, and it's way more "me". I've noticed every since school has started I've been learning what "me" is all about.

I'm not into the classy celebration, I want the one last party before I leave. I'm not into being away from home and cut off for all this. I want to be close enough to visit and yet dependent if I choose. I'm not looking forward to starting over with all new people, I'm going to cherish the people from now and only then meet new ones, not cut them off. We're very different and mom and dad don't see it. But at least we do.

Trying To Forget Everything That Isn't You

2006-01-06T19:05:00.000-05:00

I hate this time of the year. Everyone is stressed, it's mainly just January. Man I'm glad my birthday isn't going on right now, because that would suck. But seriously, I mean everyone is stressed because they are still worrying about paying for all the crap from Christmas. It's when finals, and always when the play falls. I mean, who isn't stressed? I'm not stressed over finals, they are the last of my worries, and I'm not complaining about them. The only thing going on right now in my head is; the play.

I hate how some people deal with stress though. I tend to want to hang out a ton with my friends so I don't have to think about the stupid stuff. Some people block it out. Others seclude themselves away from people. Just something I notice, different ways.

My entry was just interupted because Jenny and Alise stopped in. I love those guys. All three of us have been so busy since school started we havn't really seen each other, and I had birthday gifts for them (OC posters). So they stopped in for about an hour.

It's almost 8 and I have no plans tonight. Some nights you look forward to not doing anything except being alone. But I was really hoping to do something. I don't know, almost boarder line depressing on a Friday night.

It is about the middle of January, well not really...but I mean with the play and everything it seems it. Any who, I still am making my mind up about college. I think I just switched again.

I don't know what else to write about that isn't complaining. Something insightful...

I know there is a quote out there very similar to this...but I love how you can spend 5 minutes with someone and they can completly turn your day from horrible to great. These are the people that I love calling my friends.

I'll Be Your Best Kept Secret And Your Biggest Mistake

2006-01-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

Break ended on a good note. New Years Eve was really fun. Went to Karlie's for a while and was able to see people I normally don't outside of school so that was pretty fun. And I guess playing with wax is amusing. Hannah's house was also a lot of fun. Talking until 7 am when we all crashed. To be followed by only 3 hours of sleep, but a really good breakfast. Sunday I slept on and off and watched some more Friends, although I'm done with the season so I'm back to nothing having anything.

Yesterday Hannah and I went to East Wood for a movie. We saw 'Family Stone' which I've waited to long to see. It was a definate buyer. And we had way to much popcorn and I think I still have a brain freeze from my orange Hi-C. Gah. Then we walked around Schulars a little. I love when other people talk to loud and you can over hear their converstations.

Random Guy: "Bitch slap"
Random Girl: "20% of women have orgasms in their sleep"

Our drive home was unforgetable to be interupted by the reality once I got home that school was the next day. I couldn't sleep I love how that always happens. Way to much going on my mind. I just would finally get to sleep but it'd be for an hour or so then I'd wake back up. I have to stop doing this...

School is already miserable. Such a waste of time. And now I'm off to counting down until the play is over. Its really tragic how this is my last year and yet I can't wait for the play to be done. I should be enjoying this, I wish I could.

My New Years Lyrics

2005-12-31T19:35:00.000-05:00

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife
In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life
How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love
Seasons Of Love
Seasons Of Love
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man?
In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died
It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Tho' The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Measure In Love
Measure, Measure Your Life In Love

Seasons Of Love...
Seasons Of Love

Scared To Let Go Of This Year For I'm Scared Of What's To Come

2005-12-31T01:12:00.000-05:00

So nothing really new or exciting has happened. And I have no topic inperticular on my mind. But less then 24 hours from now and 2005 will be gone forever, to only be a memory. 2006 scares the shit out of me, but its something I have to suck up and deal with.

I sit there during the silences and realize how much I've changed. And I think about how I used to be, and how I am now and the things that have changed. And all I can say is thank god. I am so much happier with myself now. I mean, even from a few months ago. And I only have my friends to thank. I still have grudges that I'm working on, but within a few months they will not matter at all, therefore they shouldn't matter now.

"If you won't remember that little fight or argument five years from now, it doesn't matter" - Probally the only thing I remember from church.

I need to let some things go, even though its hard when others don't do the same. But I can only work on myself. I like myself so much better...gosh. I don't want to graduate because I'm afraid of changing. Okay, god...anywho.

I said something tonight that has really stuck in my head, and makes me think of any and all of my friends in the past. And I can't help but think of all the good times I had with them, and it makes me forget the bad. So if you kiddos learn anything from me....

"People will always come and go in our lives, and we just have to enjoy the time we have with them while we get it"

"Amazingly Enough, I Don't Give a Shit"

2005-12-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

It really amazes me how some people can just fix any bad day or any horrible situation.

Today was day two of drama. Day one I hid out in the band room all day and sang along. The band makes me feel like this play has a chance, because they are pretty much awesome. But then I walk around on stage and see people sitting around everywhere and nothing getting done and I feel like it has no hope. Therefore I hang out with the pit members because then I won't explode. So yeah, day two. So much stress that I almost was sick (again). As I sit here and type from the combination of lack of sleep (from stress) and my stress, I'm literally shaking. I have been all day.

So anywho, awesome person numero uno...Becca. I was completly stressed about all this stupid shit that at one point I sat down next to her on her little piano bench and one point and randomly just completly vented to her about drama, and leaving, and collage and all this random stuff that has been on my mind. And she totally understood all of it and made me feel better. It was so awesome. Then she called to make sure I was okay after my little meeting and that was nice. That kid is way to awesome to be my friend.

Awesome person numero dos, no surprise....Hannah. I was stressed during lunch and surprising enough with out even trying, sitting reading lines during lunch took my mind off of everything. Then the day ended on a bad note so I snuggled up with my blanket and watched Friends and she texts me to say she can go shopping. And that was just awesome bonding. And we solved all the world issues. At least, our issues...on relationships. And let me tell ya, Shawn is going to be the hottest pimp in the world! Two more years kiddo...

Some people are just way to cool. I strive to be a good friend like this. Who knows if my efforts work but all I can do is try.

Oh Kelly got me this book thing with awesome quotes. I'm definatly using some of these, my title is one of them and fits perfect with my mood on drama these days.

amour

Right Out Of A Movie

2005-12-23T21:43:00.000-05:00

My family is so typical. I mean each one looks like a character right out of the movie. My grandpa who just sits silent because he has learned after all these years that grandma will talk for him. Then there is grandma who likes to tell of her Wal-Mart adventuress. My stuck up cousin, the silent smart good-ole-boy cousin. The two that crack you up. The aunt that never hears correctly. The outragously cool kids (me and Ashley). The funny aunt (my mom). Then just random others. I mean we're sitting there and this happens:

Debbie: "Grandma do you want some pie?"
Grandma: "Yea..."
Debbie: "Where?"
Grandma: "Well...on my plate, where else?"

She is so typical old lady grandma. She's going to be right outta Christmas Vacation within 5 years. They are all so crazy. I don't like spending my time there because I sit there and think of all the other things I could be doing at that time. How I could be hanging out with my friends or even at home with my mom and my sister. I see these people once a year. Guess I'll count down until next Christmas. Then again I'll be 18, I don't have to go I suppose. But it's all for my mom in the end I guess. It makes her happy.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve. I'm excited. Ken being gone is starting to get to me though. Normally we talk every night, which is weird for me since I hate the phone. But it's sort of become what I do before bed and now I can't. I've been reading his letters though and they're really cute. I can't wait for Christmas. I also can't wait until New Years. Such an awesome holiday. Both are fabulous.

Josh: (Talking about witnessing an armed robbery) "And then I saw a guy come outta the store with a black ski mask, I didn't think anything of it. In fact I was kind of like "I wish I had one of those, it's really cold out"".

Candy Canes and Everything That Comes With It

2005-12-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

First off I hate how this site pretty much has like 5 templates, then each one is just offered in 4 different colors or something. I mean I want a new template so bad but every single one its like "Nope, so-and-so used to use that one". Then maybe I'm retarded but I can't find any good ones through google. If any one has blogger template websites, let me know...because I need a change.

Any who, the concert...pretty sweet.
Staying up until 6...just plain awesome.
Waking up at 10 (4 hours later)...kind of hurt.
Going to bed around 12 (after only 4 hours of sleep that night)...Really hurt.
Waking up again at 9...Ouch.

I have no time to sleep. If we made every day like 26 hours, I'd be better off. Then again I'd probally just use the two more hours a day to see my friends that much more. But yea. Yesterday was our family dinner. Chad decided to never show up, so by family I mean Hannah and Tia. The three of us exchanged gifts and it was so much fun. We didn't have any like, 'main food' because Chad never showed up so we went to McDonalds and bought 40 chicken nuggets. Wow, 40 is more then I thought. I don't know why but we all thought that wouldn't be to bad. Well, we probally ate only 15 or so...so we had a lot left. We offered them to anyone who walked through the room.

Ken stopped in for a little while. Mainly to give me his letters. He wrote me a letter for every day since he left today to see his sister for Christmas. He doesn't get back until the 29th or 30th. At least in time for New Years which I don't know whats going on with that yet. But whatever happens, I'll have fun.

After the family dinner I went out for Christmas dinner with Meghan, Tony and Killian. They got me 'When Harry Met Sally' which is just a chick-flick classic. 'Mean Girls', which I want to watch but I'm saving it because Ken says he's never seen it. And they got me the Fall Out Boy CD. So awesome. They always do so good on stuff for me. Yes, they use my list but still. They pick good stuff from my list.

After dinner I had an interesting thing go down with my mom, that resulted in her calling my dad. So awkward. I felt bad that I basically got my dad in trouble just because she can't let stuff go. I dono *rolls eyes*

Then I talked to Ken for a while on the phone, went to bed around midnight I think.

-----

The things I love about winter is...

Every little town can seem like New York lit up at night
Sitting by the fire
Snuggling
People light more candles, and that just smells good
Spending the night in with friends
Eating to much
Everyone comes home from school
Snowfall at night (with me indoors)
Singing in the parking lot in the snow
Houses with Christmas decorations
The smell of a Christmas tree
Seeing the pile under the tree gradually grow
Watching cheesy movies that you remember from childhood
Bonding with siblings increases
Finding the perfect gifts
Sleeping in
Walking around with slippers on
Having cookies always in the house
Everyone else has cookies also, so no matter where you go...you're offered cookies
Candy Canes
Deep Down...Crazy families
Christmas music, but only at home...in public its border line annoying

-----

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

All-American Rejects

2005-12-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was so crazy. I've noticed this patern while hanging out with those guys, but yea. My day started out waking up at 10, sitting around, watching Price is Right and doing a whole lotta nothing. Finally around 3 I couldn't stand all the waiting any longer so I told Chris I was coming over. We hung out for like a half hour before trying to pick up Tia, I say trying because she was at McDonalds. We headed over to Hannah's and Chad already was there. We sat around a while before leaving.

The car ride included singing to Rent songs (go figure) and some Porcipine Tree? Something like that, don't really remember. And a random tappig game and Paul lost. We stopped at someones house, don't really remember why. Then we went to Greektown which was fun. The lights were so awesome. I actually enjoyed that it was Christmas time going through there. And Chris took a cute picture of us on the street which was kind of a scary situation but a cool picture. And dinner was awesome. Hannah was right, that bread rocks.

The concert. Wow. It was fricking sweet, and I have cool pictures from it (above) and even video footage. My camera kicks ass. We danced and freaked out for one song before getting yelled at because we were in the fucking isle. We were by a piller, what else were we suppose to do?! The Acadmy Is was pretty sweet to. I'll have to get a cd of theirs. I thought the place might fall apart though, my video shows how much its shaking and its almost more scary to watch.

Afterwards we had another scary person talk to us, creepy. I just giggled. I blaim Hannah for my awkward situtaion giggling, lol. On the way home talked about random stuff with Paul it was very entertaining. Drinking, and I think some other stuff. The drinking sticks out. Oh and we went into a gas station where we got snacks.

We got back to Hannahs at 12 and Chad was going to leave right away because he was so tired. We ended up watching a little bit of Mean Girls before Tia and I dragged Hannah to the back door. Then we ended up talking with her and Chris until 5 in the morning. Chad left at 3, but he was with Emily the whole time. Any who, talking was somehow my favorite part. It's just so cool when you get sit with 3 of your closets friends and do that. We played 10 fingers which was surprisingly interesting. Any who, we only left at 5 after hearing someone up stairs and decided to go home. We wanted to go to Denny's, but didn't want to leave Hannah out and techincally I told my dad 2ish. So Tia, Chris and I went to my house where we watched...hmm, what was it. Oh, Ahhh Real Monsters. I woke up at 6 and turned the TV off and turned the lights out. Tia screamed stuff in her sleep about New York, fun stuff.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Best Told Over Coffee

2005-12-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

Please speak slowly
My heart is learning
Teach me heart-ache,
Stop this burning now

Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention.

I wish I could drive away into the sunset
Back to the day that we first met
Only believe the things I wrote
I'll put it in a note, yeah
I'll cross my t's and dot my i's
Better say hello, don't you dare say goodbye
I'll write sincerely yours and sign my name
P.S. I love you, forever and today

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Where are you?
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick, strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home
And stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight

I was alone
I was all by myself

And don't you know I'm sending
There's no venture I won't go
For you

Stoner City

2005-12-18T00:17:00.000-05:00

You only replace stuff when it needs replacing right? Makes perfect sence to me. I didn't just up and decide I was sick of my other group of friends. In fact the only reason I branched out was because they stopped talking to me, and stopped inviting me to everything...that I hear about anyways. So no one has the right to be upset that I found people who care about me and all that.

It's at the point where I can't try anymore. You just physically make me sick. You must be a dumb ass if you think I didn't notice. Why did I waste time and effort on you, it got me no where. You were always a downer, you always complained. I hated it but said nothing. You were also fake. Wow it feels good to finally say that...because honestly I don't give a shit about you. Sure I may be less mad later but this is the truth. You ruined entire events with your attitude.

You always notice when you screw up and tell people how bad you feel. BULL SHIT! If you felt bad why wouldn't it stop? Or why not tell me, did you know it's not impossible to appoligize? And again you'd have to be a fucking dumb ass if you thought I wouldn't see that everyone else was included but me. You're pretty awesome, ya know that?

----------

Today was decent. I woke up early after hardly any sleep. Went to the school to work on set stuff. No students showed up, big surprise. Not like I'd want to see some of them anyways, but whatever. And I didn't know what colors to paint so I was useless until my dad said I might as well go home. So I scaned pictures for about 2 hours for my video project. Then talked to Hannah for over an hour.

After random TV and online stuff went over to Tia's with Hannah and Chad met us there. We played some game called Stoner City and it's a stoner verison of Monopoly. Playing it makes you laugh and feel like you are stoned. I don't know how...but I seriously felt dumber during that thing. After that we played a Brats dancing game thing, I kicked ass. Oh and Hannah drew me a picture with Tia black.

"OMG it says ICUP"
*Carry on converstation*
(10 mins later after starring at box that entire time)
"Seriously, who does that...it says ICUP"

So much good stuff ahead for this wonderfull break. Can't wait....Au Revoir

So Many Hugs

2005-12-16T18:04:00.000-05:00

I wish it was Christmas year round. People are considerate around this time, and so loving. I felt very loved at school. Actually it was a crappy morning gone good.

The day started in the library with a story Casey was telling, that after the events of yesterday hit way to close to home and I had to get out. First hour was awesome with Amber and Sara. I'm going to miss that class so much. If they weren't in there I'd never show up. As it is I only do 3/4 of the time. 2nd hour sucked. 3rd hour we played holiday jepordy and it was really fun. My team captain stared at me the whole time for answers. Maybe I was just in the way of the bored, but I felt smart.

Lunch was typical. Exciting news from Hannah and lots of hugs. 4th hour, ugh. Presentations followed by a movie that I talked to Chris during. Then my TA hour which was fun. We didn't really have to do anything but I was just in a much better mood. The Sharon gave me a gift which was so sweet of her. A bunch of candy and $10 to NCG. She said she figured I'd probally see at least one movie over break, and it'd be handy with a new boyfriend. I love that woman. 6th hour we had our secret santa thing.

OH! back to 4th hour. Bekah made me this rediculously thoughtful poem because she knew my day wasn't all that great. It was so nice of her.

But yea...secret santa stuff. Becca got me which I already knew. That kid is so awesome...this is her peom:

There once was this chick - Chelsey Cody
She's life a sit-com episode-y
She's not pigeon toed
She hates that it snowed
And she thinks Randy B. is a toad-y

She is our student director
And everybody respects her
She's very attractive
And quite hyperactive
And has lots of intellect-er

She's also a sexailicous nun
Who eats eggs and hamburger buns
She escaped from her bunk
And dated a monk
And Mother Abbess called 9-1-1

Chelsey loves Becca the queen
When they enter the office, there's a mob scene
They don't make phone calls
'Cuz they don't have the balls
And they like to sniff copy machines!

Oh I love that kid. It completly made my day, and I've read it at least a million times already. I need to figure out where I want to display it. For now it's on my desk. Also Chris got me a candy cane with a raindeer on it. How cute. I felt so loved today from my good friends.

Tonight is a game, I don't even know who we're playing. I think DeWitt but who knows. I'm excited to see the cheerleaders and the dance team. Gotta support my girls. Also I'm taking Ken which will be fun. Then we have a dance put on by the PALs, and Randy is santa I've heard. Shall be awesome.

Au Revoir

I Feel Alone

2005-12-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

What would have happened if it was all true? My world would have flipped upside down. If it was only a few more weeks, or days? And why not tell me sooner. "Because how do I break something like that to you?" Sure she wanted to wait until it was a false alarm to tell me, but what if it wasn't false alarm. So wait until it's offical "I may be dieing" What would I have done?

I don't know where to vent. I don't know if I want to vent. If you can't write what can you do?

The day last year when I went to the doctor just because my knee bothered me, and they said "You might have a blood clot, go to the emergancy room". I had never been so scared in my life. I relived it listening to your story. You went through the same thing but couldn't even tell me. Yours was worse! And it wasn't from start to finish in a matter of hours. You spent all week with doctors. You've known since Friday night. I saw you Sunday! Why not mention it? And you only got in the clear two hours before I saw you. It's been going on a week. "I didn't want to worry you".

Somethings in life just scare the shit out of you. What are you suppose to do to calm yourself down if no one answers?

Blocking It Out?

2005-12-13T15:29:00.000-05:00

Any time I think of the future I spaz. Is it better to try to brace yourself for it, or ignore it all together until it hits you square in the face? This last year is something I'll live through once and I don't know any of the answers. The last time I thought about all of it I had a semi melt down under a blanket. I hate dealing with life changing experiances. I mean, I know where I'm going to school but I don't want to. I'll love it when I'm there but I don't want all of us in different towns and cities.

5 Months, 3 Weeks, 1 Day left.

OR

97 school days

Maybe it'd be better to block it out....until June 1st that is....

"If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend."

2005-12-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

It's nothing you can ever plan for. Actually nothing in life you can plan for. Then you sit and question how stuff happened, and what if it didn't happen and what will end up happening. You can't plan anything, but if you're as cool as I am you can make a pretty acurate guess. Sometimes your just handed an open afternoon/night with your best friend that turns into one of the most relationship-strengthening times ever. Hannah and I did random stuff on the computer, followed up by a trip for breadsticks...ya know, since we're breadstick whores. I'll never be able to look at fat breadsticks with out thinking I should save them for last. Scratch that...any breadstick makes me think of that crazy kid. Any who, after our breadstick run we returned to my house where my dad was gone. It was probally 7 or so. We honestly sat on the couch faceing each other (yes that's two words) and talking for about 5 hours. Amazing. So much bonding. Was there any conversation we didn't cover? At a few points we were cracking up and crying at the same time.

So many questions in life that will never be answered. So many that I wouldn't want answered. I'd rather see where the road takes me, and hope that it's with the same people that make me as happy as I am now. Drinking wine on the couch and yelling at the toddlers would be some of the most fun times...but nothing compared to nowadays.

Call It...Softlips

2005-12-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

So Hannah is over....and we're writing my little thingy for myspace that's "About Me". Any who....It was crazy...and here it is: (Think of this all in a crazy accent....it makes the experience more fun!)

My name is Chelsey. I love a kid named Hannah... and Coin Man. They are both super cool. Especially Hannah. She's the coolest person in the world. In our spare time we like to spend time in the backseat of Chad's car. And if we aren't there then we are probably on Chad's couch together. But don't worry, Coin Man doesn't get too jealous! This one time me and Hannah went shopping and she got stuck in a sweater so I had to undress her. We LOVE Bubble Island. The pictures have no pattern. There aren't ANY pictures in the male bathroom. I know this cause Hannah went to check. I totally own a Bubble Island stamp card cause I go there so much. We like to run errands for my mom, and create mayhem in Meijers. Cause we're cool like that. We tend to talk to loud in public... especially when we're talking about sexual things. Like aids. Hannah likes to pick my clothes out and lay in my bed a lot. We're gonna go to the SCHWEETEST concert in da world soon. Its gonna be SCHWEET. We like breadsticks. In fact, we are breadstick whores! We have really funny lunch conversations about...well...threesomes. Hannah's cool. We like to dance around Chad's kitchen and listen to musicals. The best time during the day is 4-430. Right now, me and Hannah are talking like retards. Cause we're cool. And she's not even on ovary medicine! We like to sing to Moulin Rouge in da car. We met this guy named Key Man. He's schweet. Hannah's gonna marry him. Even though he's OLD. This one time we went to Barnes and Noble and we played with the train set while doing quizes out of a little quiz book. This other time Hannah and I went to see Rent together. We met this crazy lady. She was crazy. Hannah is my dirty little secret! I love that kid! When we're in the da car (but not the backseat of Chad's) we like to say "CHICKEN" like that one commercial! Cause we're cute! Some people wonder about us... in a lesbian kind of way. But love Coin Man... but Hannah's NOT completely off-limits. Everytime I'm Chad's couch I put my feet on the table THEN Hannah arches her back while crawling under my legs. It's hott (with two t's). Schweet. This one time, it was cold outside. This means that the window of my car was all frosty. And not on the outside. And I was all excited to go meet Coin Man so we scraped it from the inside. Cause we're cute. This one time me and Hannah were talking about all the super schweet times we've had together and wrote them down THEN she starts screaming at me "WRTIE THAT DOWN!" cause she thought of a really really cool one. We like to have FAMILY DINNERS! And eat cookie dough while we dance to our lesbian song from Rent. We still don't understand why people seem to wonder about us. This one time when I was shopping with Hannah we met this really cool gay guy. I don't know his name, but he was SCHWEET. I love him. If he wasn't gay, I would totally let Hannah marry him! Yey! That makes a threesome marriage with Key Man! We like to drool over Green Day cause they were naked (but that's not the ONLY reason we were drooling). This one time I was able to pick up birth control but not frickin allergy medicine. So I can have SEX! But not a dry nose. Who does that?! Chad likes to take.... questionable pictures of me and Hannah. Like this one time he managed to snap a few shots of Hannah on top of me. It was hott (with two t's again) I still have them pictures. I look at them all the time! With Hannah! Hannah is so cute! I love that kid! We have no self control around each other. This one time Hannah, Chad and I went to pick up this kid named Adam and when Chad opened the car door his dogs almost jumped in! IT WAS CRAZAY! We like to ask each other "what would you do if I kissed you right now?" I guess we don't need to ask that question anymore cause we know the answer now. This other time I was with Hannah in the car and I told her my wildest fantisies of undressing her. But it all started with her questions "what would you do if I took off your pants?" It was crazy! I was driving so she couldn't and she was sad. This other time we went to Denny's at 3 in the MORNING! Hannah had a brownie. It was cool. I sat by Hannah that night and then I took her home at like 4. Cause I love her! And she needed her sleep. Time to wrap this thing up folks (think of that last part in a southern accent it'll sound SCHWEET).

With Love...Written by the coolest person in the world...Hannah (12-10-05)

P.S. Many great stories to come....Stay tooned!

How To Describe It...Wow

2005-12-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

It was so instant. I don't even know how to describe it other then that. Instant attraction and just....ahhh! I don't even know what to say. I havn't been this happy in a long time. Once school started everything went downhill. My new friends this year brought everything up a ton, and now...wow.

Hung up Christmas lights with Ken yesterday for my moms house. It was so cold...arg. "It all depends on who your freezing your ass off with..." After lights, which look amazing thanks to...well, he did most of it. I did the pole though, which kicks ass. But yea, after that went up to the mall and met my mom and Auntie Mar for dinner. It was quite an intertaining meal. How has nothing been awkward yet?? Normally I feel awkward at least once by now. With friends...family. Nope, just like I feel I've known Ken forever, I had felt like at dinner we'd done that many times before, like it was no big deal. And of course they loved him. So many comments on that...they kept bringing it up all night. And I guess my mom ranted about him at work...lol. She's an interesting one. I've never seen her this...happy for me.

School today sucked, was sick with...probally a cold...all day. Only went because english we had a group project. Then only stayed for Drama. I ordered amazing tickets for drama though. They are suppose to come in by next Friday, I'm going to wet my pants when I see them. Hopefully we don't sell out, I want to keep a few. One from each night...Oh, how cute would that be?! (Scrapbooking ideas already).

After school got the cutest texted message in the world, that made the crappy day disappear a little. Then hung out with Hannah, Chad and Tia at our "Club house". We're so cool. Danced around to musical soundtracks the whole time basically. I love how the simplest things are the best times in the world with those guys. After that went to the mall with Hannah. Talked with this awesome gay guy from Aero. She picked out the two shirts I got...I hate shopping I just found like styles of shirts I liked and I was just like "which one"...and she would go through them. Yeah...they're so cute. I still think she should have walked out with the pink sunglasses...they were sexy!

Not much else going on...The winding down of the year is making school hectic. Well, not really...but drama is getting busy. Gosh...Yeah! The worst kind of drama is....drama in Drama. Practise tomorrow with Stan, gosh. But enough to look forward to afterwards, least of all OC night!

Lyric Thoughts

2005-12-01T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have so many things buzzing through my head. I can't slow them down to concentrate on just one...This is what's in my head in the form of awesome lyrics...Probally won't make since to anyone but me, but it seriously tells a story...

“This is the truth, the only time you'll here it,
I write it down because it seems so hard to say it”

"I should tell you"

"What do you think inside your head? I want to know"

“How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.”

"I should tell you"

"And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed."

"And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive"

Cranky Turned Into Sentimental Memories

2005-11-30T23:24:00.000-05:00

We had our own family dinner tonight. Family being some of the most important people to me...my friends. Chad, Tia and Hannah. Also Erin was with us because she was going with Tia to an NHS thing afterwards. It was a lot of fun. Danced in the kitchen listening to 'Rent' and randomly casting us as the people. We'd love to make a music video/reanactment (sp?) thing with it. It'd be cute, and lots of fun. Maybe some day.

It as a short evening though, we all left by 5. I left cranky and I don't remember why. Certain things I'm bitter about and it just...I dono, made me cranky. I wanted to leave in a hurry after that because I knew it'd wear off and I didn't want to talk about it. I don't talk enough. I have wonderful friends who I could tell anything to, but I don't. I never have been able to in the past either. People come to me to talk, I listen, I give advice, I never judge. Actually many people come to me because of this. Maybe that's all I'm good at...listening. Oh well...don't they say that's more important?

Got home and my house phone wouldn't stop ringing. I never answer it...but I finally decided to since it was bugging me. It was my Aunt Liz who said my Aunt Judy was doing errands with her and wanted to know if we'd like to join them for dinner. Of course we did. So I had dinner with Aunt Liz, Uncle Rich, Nate, Travis, Aunt Judy and baby Emma. Tomorrow is Nate's Birthday, and Paige's...Mental note to say something to her...any who, so I think I'm seeing them again for dinner...which makes tonight a little pointless...oh well.

After dinner we came home and worked on my phone for another half hour. Still wouldn't work. Basterds. Went to set a little late. No one showed up but D Ereg. Annoying. No kids from the class show up, and yet kids outside of the class look forward to it. Unfortently everyone else was busy. But yea...I was sitting there all alone for 2 hours. This was because my dad had no idea what to paint, and was doing kind of a solo project. I found a piano in the pit. That intertained me for about 15 minutes until I couldn't figure out how to turn it on. So yea...stared at the wall for 2 hours...awesome.

Got home...still cranky. Worked on my phone for another hour. Finally works...I can now send texted messages! That only took a year of begging. And I got a new ring tone from the internet. This was only because my dad promised me one like 6 months ago but we didn't have a way to get it onto my phone because we needed a special cord...but now I have internet on my phone so he let me. It's so happy. We joked about it, every time I hear it I have to dance. And I told him I might stop picking up the phone because I'll be dancing. Haha...good times. One of those bonding moments with my dad. Gotta love it.

Less cranky because of him. One of the things I'll miss next year is my parents. Everyone complains about their parents but my mom and dad are like my best friends. Ever since the divorce they have been my friends and not my parents. Which is annoying at times just because, you still need a parentel role in ur life...but times like tonight when your dancing to a silly ring tone and joking around, or last night...listening to Christmas music you remember from when you were 5, crying over the dog eating your Christmas present...while frosting Christmas cookies. That's what it's all about...

Cool Thingy

2005-11-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

I think this is pretty sweet...Let me know if this explains you in any way. Like if you fall under a certain one...
---
At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.

Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

You mean the world to someone.

If not for you, someone may not be living.

You are special and unique.

Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

When you think the world has turned its back at you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Break Ending...

2005-11-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

So after Thanksgiving my break continued to be awesome. Celebrated the holiday with my mom and Ashley. We watched OC all day and had a fire. And of course ate more then any person should in a day. It was a lot of fun.

Friday umm. Oh yeah! It was pretty snowy so I wasn't planning on doing anything until night-timeish, but Chad came by at about 2 o clock and kidnapped me. We got in the car and picked Hannah up even though she was in the shower. So actually we waited at her house for her to get dressed then we left. We called Adam up and went to McDonalds because Chad was hungry. The four of us hung out there for a little while then went to Chad's place. We hung around there which was a lot of fun. And thank god for me being thirsty...I'm so awesome.

Hannah went to some family thing, and we took Adam home so Chad and I went to Felpo and bought some stuff. Then we called up Tia to go to a movie. She was going to bring her cousin so I came along. We went and saw 'Rent' again. So much better the second time. I need the movie soundtrack for Christmas and I want to own the movie right now. I can't afford to go see it again...so I need to own it!! Ugh...Any who, at the movie Chad asked Tia out with a rose...it was so cute. So they're dating now. After the movie we went shopping for food that we then took to Chad's house. And...omg, he didn't have a snow scrapper. Actually we found out today it was in his car the whole time...but yea, so he used a hair brush to get snow off...it was rediculous.

Saturday Chad stopped in again in the morning. He said he couldn't hang out that night. I then called up Mary, Kelly, Casey, and Chris and we went out to lunch. That was pretty fun. After lunch went to my moms for a while which tired me out. But before actually crashing Hannah called and we got a hold of Adam and Tia. Travis called also and the 5 of us went to Bubble Island. We sat in there forever and there was random snuggling which I couldn't even begin to explain. Then we went on an awesome elevator ride...haha. Scared the crap out of Tia. Then we...um, I think we just all went home after that. Now that I have no curfew, all these kids do...so I still end up going home way early. Ugh...

Today I actually did a lot of good stuff. I woke up and made 3 batches of Christmas cookies. Well stage 1 of 3 at least. Then I did half of my cleaning which I will finish tomorrow after school. But yea, I did good. Then Chad came and got me, and Hannah was with him. The three of us went through Best Buy for what seemed like hours. I love the frickin crap out of that store. Then they had a craving for frostys so we went to Wendy's. Yumm....Then we went to Hannah's which was fun. We chilled at her house for a while, and Paul brought pizza which was really good. We basically listened to 'Rent' and took as many random pictures as possible. Omg...they crack me up.

I got home from Hannah's and started thinking of Christmas. I started working on a few gifts. Well one has complications...so then I started on my sisters. I gotta boast...I am the best sister in the WORLD! Okay, so I took all this footage from her graduation, (last day of school, commencement, open house) that was on video and put it in the computer. And now I'm scanning in all these pics from her years in high school (put to sappy awesome music) and I'm making her a really awesome DVD. I'm so awesome. I got all of her years done, but some where she has a whole seperate box with Senior stuff and I couldn't locate it. Now I must brainstorm how to get it...with out her knowing...but asking her still....HmmmHHmmmhmh. I don't know. It's just a really cool video so far. I was friends with all those kids when I was a freshman so watchin it makes me cry...it's just...really cool. I've also been working on my own, and I'm at the point where I need to scan. And I need to add my footage stuff. Lots to do...

It Was Crazy

2005-11-24T11:40:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was our last day of school. School was pretty typical although lunch was pretty interesting...revealing funny stuff with Hannah "ME TOO!!!!!" Any who...yeah, school was actually hilarious. After school though, hmm...what hapened. I think I just sat around for a while. We were plotting what to go do, and it was turning into Chad, Hannah and I and I was thinking it might end up being a little lame. But then I suggested calling Adam and Travis, then we called Tia. Travis couldn't make it but the three of us went to go pick up Adam and it all started...

Chad had opened his door to get out, but just left the door of the car open, and one of Adam's dogs jumped in the car and scared the shit out of Chad. It was rediculous. And they did their typical "what would you do if I kissed you?" and for once Chad and Hannah actually kissed, it was crazy. I knew the night could only get better. But yea, Adam got in the car and we made our way to East Lansing, where we waited in my car for about 20 mins for Tia. Chad and I danced in the parking lot a little bit, got some weird looks. And we tried playing spin-the-bottle. Hannah and Chad kissed again I think.

Tia showed up after a little while and we walked over to Bubble Island. We got drinks and pulled 4 giant chairs together and sat and talked. Tia gave Chad a belated Birthday kiss which was really cute. Adam was practically falling asleep in his chair so we left to go to the book store. We went and got Dirty Minds which is a bored game that sounds really funny. So we got that, played with the train for a while and the cars had "train sex" which was interesting. Then we decided to go meet Tia's dad so she could stay out til midnight instead of just 9. So we drove back to town and met him which was fun. Then took my car and her car to my house, and got back in Chad's. Then we went to the Middle School side parking lot where we opened the game. And it was all like we were opening porn but weren't allowed to. I don't know why, but we handeled that game so little-kid-ish. It was funny though.

And in the car there was some interesting back seat stuff. Chad accidently put the parking break on, at which point I received a kiss but everyone missed it because Chad was spasing over the parking break. We fixed that, then he told us about this model house he had. I had no idea he even owned this thing, but yea...the 5 of us went to this house in Williamston that his family owns that has like, all the kitchen and living room stuff inside it. But no bedroom stuff. So Chad made us some Chocolate Chip cookies which was cute. But then he had to take Adam home.

Tia, Hannah and I had some fun conversations while the boys where gone and we talked about how it'd be fun to spend time in that house during Christmas break. The boys came back after a little bit, and for some reason Adam was now allowed to stay out another hour or so. So we all sat around and talked in the living room and it was really fun. Because it's not very often you can just talk with you friends. We're always searching for a place where we don't have to spend money, can hang out, but don't need to be home. And thats exactly what it was. So much fun...so crazy. Then we did this thing where we sent Chad and Adam each to a room...then Tia and Hannah went up stairs. Nothing happened, but Chad was hiding in the closet because he was scared. Then I think he started doing cartwheels because it was really loud. Any who...then we took Adam home, and took Tia to her car. Chad, Hannah and I sat in his car and talked about the night and how crazy everything was. Then I got another kiss goodbye...haha, funny times.

Wednesday was almost just as crazy. I picked Hannah up after both of us sleeping in. And we went to Meijers for my mom. Actually we went to the mall food court first to eat huge pizza's...a meal where you just kind of reveal stuff to each other no one else knows about. It was so fun. Then we went to Meijers. We did our Thanksgiving shopping for my mom. She knew if she waited until after worked it'd be packed. It was already packed even though it was only in the middle of the day. Any ways, shopping was a ton of fun. We talked about how having an appartment would be cool because she doesn't know how to shop, so I'd have to help her. Funny stuff...and we ran into a few people. Haha...But yea, then when we went to check out they wouldn't let me pay with my moms check because the address on my lisence doesn't match. Well I'm sorry my parents are divorced and all my offical things have my dads address, not my moms. Arg, I hate dumb people.

Any who, after leaving the groceries there for my mom to pick up after work we went to my dads house and watched 'Bullet in a Bible'. It was so fun. More fun to watch with someone, because I don't like to make comments sitting there alone. But yea, Billie Joe is rediculously hot...and Tre cracked us both up. Haha...funny stuff. Then we just relaxed for a little bit just talking, that was pretty hot. Then we decieded to look up movies times because we wanted to see 'Rent'. So we went to my computer for a little while, where we talked to Adam and Travis. We left after a little bit for the movie.

Such an awesome movie! I have the songs stuck in my head still, but yea...so cute. Travis ran into us before it started and he didn't even know we were going...what are the odds?! So he said when his got done he was going to come in with us, then hang out with us and have me drop him off. So random. But yea, he never came in and sat with us so we figured he left. OH..but first there was a lady in front of us who chatted with us for like 20 minutes about different plays. She is going to 'Sound of Music' now because we told her it was in Janurary. Fun stuff. But yea, then we went and found him and I guess he just waited out side because he thought it looked dumb. So we went to Burger King then took him home. Oh so random...

Today is Thanksgiving. I hope everyone is having an awesome holiday. This has to be the best, and craziest break ever! And it can only get better...

Simpler Times

2005-11-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

Things used to be so much easier. In a time with breadsticks, Apple Bee's, picnics, track, car rides home, taking naps, quote books, hitting on waiters, reading rediculous sex books, laughing until it made us cry, talking to much on the phone (running my bill through the roof), going to the book store...everything about 'Girls Night'.

Maybe it's me. Who knows any more. Maybe I'm pushing people away so June is easier on everyone. Maybe it's bigger then that...I could have pissed people off. But with what? I can't figure it out any more and I'm sick of loosing sleep beating myself up over it.

"Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget."

I won't forget...but I am sick of crying...

Realization

2005-11-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

So when things get you down you have to focus on the good things in life, and just say "fuck you" to the bad things. Surround your self with people who care about you and things you enjoy.

Everyday I make myself look forward to something to get me through the day. Well today the thing to get me through was the release of 'Bullet In A Bible'. So I bought that right after school and just watched it. So fucking awesome!

And back to awesome people in my life. Hannah is pretty awesome! And so is Becca...she actually wrote a song about me...Check it out:

Ode To Ches-ley In All Her Glory
Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Dixit dominus domino meo:
Sede a dextris meis.

Donec ponam inimicos tuos,
Scabelleum pedum tuorum.

Domimus a dextris tuis
Confregit in die irae suae reges.

De torrente in via bibet:
Propterea in exaltabit caput.

Gloria Patri, et Filio,
Et Spiritui Sancto.

Sucut erat in principio, et nunc et semper,
Et in saecula saeculorum. Amen.

Which in English OBVIOUSLY means:

Chelsey my red-headded goddess of love:
You are ridiculously hot.

With your sparkling personality
Everything in you is sweet.

You make me go crazy for you
Because of your attractiveness.

Your eyes glitter like diamonds in the moonlight
And cast a lovely shadow upon the earth.

Every day you make me smile
Everytime you pass my way

You make my spirit soar on the wings of a bluebird
And you are incredibly sexy. Hell yeah.

Reality

2005-11-11T18:02:00.000-05:00

Back home and back to reality.

Why does reality have to sting?

Even gone for a weekend you miss so much. There are some things I don't even want to catch up on.

Went to drama, thought it'd be a fun welcoming. All the people I wanted to see didn't give a shit, and the ones I wouldn't expect were excited.

Guys are ass holes.

Depressed and upset about so many things.

Havn't even been back to school (actually) yet and I already want another break...I want to leave this shitty ass town with all the fucking retarded people that don't give a shit about me.

6 months, 3 weeks and 2 fucking days.

Why do you call me your friend? Think about that one....because I don't understand anymore.

Words are useless...body language is everything

Weekend Before Camp

2005-11-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

Everything is packed and tomorrow I take off. Camp is going to be so much fun I can't wait. Hannah says she is sending me letters, can't wait to read them. She'll be the only one sending me any...probally the only one to notice I'm gone to.

This weekend has been awesome. I've hung out with people that don't get me down and actually care about me. They invite me to do stuff and it's pretty awesome. Friday I hung around my house until Chris called me up and stoped in shortly after. Him and I watched 'Sin City' and it was really cool. Not something I'd own, but I liked it a lot. Then Hannah got out of ACT and called us up and we got her and Chad and went to Bubble Island. I had never been and it was completly different from all the explanations everyone gave me. If you order bubbles, only ask for a few. Chad was right...they make you gag after like 5 minutes. They freaked me out, I didn't like sucking them up the straw because I was afraid I'd choke or something. AHh... Any ways, then we went to the book store and that was pretty awesome. I bought Rolling stones, which Billie (as you can see above) is on the cover of...AND it was the day it came out, because I am just that awesome.

Saturday I packed and other stuff throughout the day. Oh, and bought All-American Reject tickets. Chad, Hannah and probally Chris...oh yea baby, 4th ROW! They are playing with Rooney I hear...going to be freaking off the wall!

But later in the day...I know I did something. Oh, yea I went to Erin's house. Amber was there and a few other people, not many though. No guys where showing up so we called Chad and had him call his Haslett people. I went and got him, and Jake and Tommy showed up, but only for like a half hour. I felt bad, because they don't like scary movies. Yea, we watched 'Ammityville Horror" and "Garden State". I've finally seen it, although I missed a few parts. I have to watch it when I can guess the awesome lines.

Today we had to go load up for camp. Hung out with all the cool people who are going, then we had our little meeting. I'm with Emma, and our travel group is Brad and Kostick. Should be pretty awesome. And Chris and Chad, and Amber and Karlie are going to come over and hang out every night. I'll have a ton of stories.

After the meeting I had dinner with my mom, Ashley and Josiah. That was really fun actually. Cute little meal, and tons of laughing. Then I got Chris and we went to Hannah's to watch "Unleashed". Good movie. I have a new opinion on Jet Li. Wouldn't watch it again, just because I can't watch Dramas twice. But I really liked it.

I have a new habbit of chewing on a guitar pick while I'm at the computer...Random.

Have a good week ya'll....be back Friday 12:30!

Unemployment

2005-11-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

With all of the events of last week, and some that happened this week my parents sat down and decided they didn't want me working in Lansing any more. I totally don't blaim them, in fact I was starting to get freaked out. I didn't like having to worry about being safe, because...growing up here you don't really need to. Any who...yeah, tonight was my last night working.

I'm now unemployed

As much as I'm not going to like not having money right away, there are some major bennifits to this. First off I want to spend more time then I have been working on drama stuff. Right now it gets to 4 o clock, and I head out for work. But now I have no commitment so it really doesn't matter, I can stay around and help. Also I want to work more on video stuff. I think I've stayed after editing for about an hours worth this year. All summer we talked about being there until midnight and ordering pizza. Stuff your suppose to do in high school.

And my school work has lacked from having a job. I mean, three nights a week I get home anywhere between 9-10 and by that point I don't want to do an hour or more worth of homework, I just want to go to bed. So yea...I put stuff off and its bad. I don't know if my homework will improve or not...but now I'll have no excuse.

On another note camp is next week. I'm excited. A week away from everything...along with other bonuses.

And I emailed the actor Lou Taylor Pucci...and got a responce back tonight. It was a cute responce, I was surprised to have gotten anything honestly. But yea...that was kind of exciting.

But now I'm tired...um, so yea...haha...

Bad Karma

2005-10-27T07:53:00.000-04:00

I have been impacted emotionally, physically and mentally the past week.

...Rejection, Eye Tumor, Robbery...

They say things happen in 3's. I hope this is the last of it. I don't know why it's all happening to me.

Things On My Mind

2005-10-25T09:31:00.000-04:00

Our school is basically retarded. Oh wait, mentally impaired. Any ways. Today is testing day. Pretty much all the juniors get it off which is a little random. But yea, if you need to retake the HST as a senior you had to go in. I got up normal time, actual even earlier because I thought eating breakfast for once would be good. So I get there, I take my test and get done at 9 o clock. They say "We have nothing else for you to do, or for you to go and we don't want you to be loud for all the other students...leave". So they kicked us out of the school. Now if you're taking the second test today its at 12:30. Well in my opinion if you are taking two tests you shouldn't have to go to class. Nope, they are making us go to 4th hour (11:30) then at 12:30 we'll leave to go do another part of the HST. Bullshit. I'm not going back in until 12:15. Bite me.

Tomorrow I don't think there is an option for coming in late. But I have to do another test tomorrow at 12:30, so I don't think I'll be coming in for the morning tomorrow either. Look at my scheduale, you'd do the same. Plus all the teachers know there is testing going on so what are they really going to give us to do. The classes I'll miss...Computers, you gotta be kidding me if I'll actually fall behind in that. Then video, we sit and gossip all hour. And then english, which we are doing presentations and I already did mine. Why sit and sleep in school during presentations when I can sleep at home in my bed, with silence?

I'm awesome.

I'm to awake to go back to bed and no one is online. And TV sucks during the day. Its 9:36, so soap operas arn't even on. As if I'd actually watch one.

I could curl up and watch a movie. Mmm, that sounds fun.

I want pizza for lunch.

The talent show went awesome. I've been hearing non-stop compliments on my directing. Nolen thinks I could easily go to college for buiness-ish stuff where I'd have people working under me. Thats an awesome comment to hear for a teacher. I don't remember any other specifics, but yea...it was sweet. And I got Alise to come and I havn't seen her since the day before school started. I didn't think she'd actually come so that was way awesome. Plus she said she biked from E.L. to Okemos just go get a ride to the school. I'm loved.

This weekend should be pretty pimp-tastic. Someone has to have something Thursday night. No school Friday. May hang out with Jenny and Alise during the day Friday for there birthday which is Sunday. Friday night, Saw II baby! Then Saturday I think Chad has a thing. Sunday will be major homework. I still have 300 pages and a poster to do for Tuesday, and Monday I will be working.

I have another eye tumor.

The leaves are awesome. I love fall. But its already passing. November brings snow a lot of the times. Then the 'Holiday season' arrives. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. I plan on having a New Years party. OH yea baby.

I've been hanging out with Hannah a lot lately. She is basically the coolest person ever. And Becca in drama. So sweet.

I got a lot of hugs this weekend. I love hugs. They are my weakness.

Freaking Out

2005-10-23T11:51:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty much spazzing. Last night I got all of an hours sleep. I worked 4 hours or so Friday with Chris on the video for today. Then another 4 or 5 yesterday. I watched Batman Begins once my dad got home...

I can't keep my mind off of today. The difference between this and a big performence is I put it all together. Even though it won't be my fault, if there are mess ups, this was my production.

The other difference is a big show you get 4 or 5 chances to perfect it. This is one shot.

This is going to sound stupid later.

Havn't eaten in a day and half.

Cross your fingers...here we go...

Cut Off

2005-10-20T12:48:00.000-04:00

When I got home from school on Monday to my surprise my internet didn't work. I figured it was okay, so I went downstairs to watch TV. Well thats also out. I didn't worry, I can live with a day. Well Tuesday, still out. I called the company Tuesday night she said "EVerything is fine there" and hung up. Obviously if its not working everything is NOT okay. But whatever bitch. Wednesday, still not working. Called the company again. He said they were sendign someone Thursday morning (today). So hopefully when I get home its working. God, 4 fucking days with no internet..I will scream if its not back. And currently I'm writting at school.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend. Nothing planned. Everyone else is busy. Everyone else got invited to things. I believe I have counted 4 things in the last week I wasn't invited to...by "Friends" of mine. I'm so freaking awesome!

Nothing else on my mind that you need to know...

It Stings

2005-10-14T18:12:00.000-04:00

10 days
Money
Food
And a house

What to do...

I'm a good kid at heart really. But when you look back, you need something to laugh about with your kids, with finishing the story "now you better never do that!!"...I'd like to make a few of those stories in the next few days. We'll see what happens.

The talent show. Yeah know...so many people cut it down and say how much they hate it. This may sound lame but that really hurts me. Surprise surprise...if you havn't noticed. I am running the whole fucking thing. I've put probally 20+ hours into it, and then people close to me say "its not a big deal" "I don't want to do it" "This is stupid"

Ouch

The idea wasn't mine. But I took it under my wings and honestly The Sharen hasn't done anything towards it. Its 100% me, like it or not. And thats putting that much effort into something and having people cut it down. Not cool.

Just putting that out there.

I love October...and Fall....Everything about it. The weather makes me happy, and over all nothing can bring me down right now. Well not much, there are few good things going on right now...but those few good things are so good, they tend to over power the many bad.

I'm working on a peom for in here. I've tossed some stuff around, we'll see what happens. I may never add it but who knows.

Busy

2005-10-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

Nothing has happened this week. Well, thats not true...I've been really busy I guess.

Work
Talent Show
Sound of Music
Enterprise Interview
Tests

Okay, so maybe that doesn't seem like much, but I've had no time to relax. 0 Downtime. My head has been buzzing. I can't wait until next week when the Talent Show is over.

Your all coming right?

Chad got me hooked on this 'tagged' thing. If you want in, let me know.

Can't wait til Friday.

Not Enough

2005-10-09T10:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I woke up very early to have some quality time with my mom. We took a road trip to Port Huron (2 hrs) to do a craft show. It was freezing, luckily we had gloves. We didn't have a blanket, or hats. I don't have ears any more. We sold nothing. It rained. And it was the funnest day with my mom ever.

Funny how you can make a horrible situation a lot of fun. We weren't discouraged from not selling anything. Our jewlery is high class. The only stuff being sold around us were the $5 and under items. No one sold anything. But yea, only outdoor show for this year. We need a better canopy. I'm sore today.

On the way home we were scanning for a radio. Since we were 5 minutes from the bridge to Canada we ran across a station in all french. First they were talking, and my mom and I sat and came up with what they were REALLY saying. Of course what we came up with was all sex related. "Oh my god they just said cock!" Yeah thats me and my mom for ya. But after talking they sang a song! OMG funniest thing I've ever heard. It was catchy, we wana find a french cd, because its a stress releaver. Any who, you may have had to been there for the french radio station to be funny.

We headed back to Lansing and got to East Wood at like 5. We were going to see a movie but we picked out 'Elizabethtown' and it isn't out yet, and we wanted to see 'In her shoes' but decided to wait until next weekend with my sister and Aunt Debbie. (So its all sister/mother/daughter-y.)

We had an irish dinner while discussing boys and trips to Ireland. I guess when my mom was little she went there with her sister and parents, because her mom was obsessed with collecting these dolls and had to have the actual ones. Any ways, she had a pen pal which she met while there who ended up being ugly...and her mom wanted them to hook up because she thought he was cute. (thank god me and my mom know each others taste). And they drove off at one point with two guys in a mercedes, and my mom and aunt were 16 and 21...and didn't see the big deal.

I love learning new and funny stories about your parents.

Also at the show we people watched a lot. We like to name the venders around us. There was Halloween Lady, Wood Man, and Pie Boy. Haha....yeah, people are interesting.

I love hanging out with my mom...days like yesterday don't happen enough.

At A Loss

2005-10-06T21:12:00.000-04:00

This week has been better then most. Not as much bull shit in classes, although some stupid people in video, who don't even show their faces any more. Ugh....

After school today I had a great time. Drama practise, then video editing, and I even ran into Chad. It was a fun afternoon. Then I went into Okemos with my dad, fun stuff.

Tomorrow is Friday. Our last football game. Our last one for High School. Tailgating. Then sounds like a bon fire? Saturday craft show with my mom. Sunday who knows. Hopefully something good...

I had some stuff to write about and now am at a loss.

Thinking Out Loud

2005-10-02T20:01:00.000-04:00

Filmed a skit called "Ches-ley's Elevator Ride" today. My dad watched it and cracked up. I can't wait for it to air now, because if he liked it...

Last night after the game and all that some of us went to Zach's house. Kelly, Justin, Chris, Alec, Zak and Casey were all there. It was interesting. I have no idea what we even watched. Oh, um...'House on haunted hill' and 'Evil Dead 2'. Hah! I remembered. But yea...interesting night. And interesting in this case is a good thing. Zach, I had a lot of fun you need to have us over more often. And like you said it was relaxing, it (along with Friday) helped me forget the horrible week I think everyone experienced. I mean, lets be honest...did any one enjoy last week? Nope.

Worked on homework after people left....I don't like homework. I think this is the first year I've ever done it.

I took easy classes this year...and have more work. Does that make sense?

Sara let me borrow her three Relient K cds, I really like them so far.

Mirrors creep me out.

Why is it so fun to drink out of glass bottles?

Some say we're never meant to grow up
I'm sure they never knew enough
I know the pressures won't go away
It's too late

Seems like everything we knew
Turned out were never even true
Don't trust, things will ever change
You must be dreaming

"Some Say" Sum 41

Friday Awesomeness

2005-10-01T18:20:00.000-04:00

Last week was horrible. I tried so hard to block it out, and I'd have to write a book just to describe all of it. But Friday....oh what a day.

School was blah. I had lunch with my mom and skipped 4th hour. She was stressed because today is her first craft show. Pray for her. She has no money, can't really afford her house and needs nothing more then to be able to quit her job because the buiness she is trying to start works. Please pray for my mom...she needs it, I don't know what she'll do next year with me gone.

Tailgating was AWESOME. We actually had a turn out! The one time I didn't bring my camera. Lets see if I can remember all the people...Kelly, Chris, Justin, Casey, Zak, Alec, Emily, Jake, Chad, Sara, Emma, Kim, Rachel and myself. Kick ass. One more game. One more football game for my high school career. I don't want to grow up...

The game. We lost, but I didn't watch. Went between two groups hanging out. Lots of funny things I'll keep in my head about the whole night. After the game we went to McDonalds to get snacks and warm up before moving to the soccer game. We laughed way to hard and disrespectfully. They say laughter gets you through life...so please take back your glares.

The game was cold. To many hours outside in a row. Went to Rachels with Justin, Chris, Chad, and Emily. Scary. Awesome bonfire I had a lot of fun. I don't think I ever warmed up. And after announcing we were streaking we were offered beer, and asked if we had any pot but the neighbors. Creepy.

I don't even want to write about today yet, because Friday was to awesome to be in the same post as Saturday.

Fortunes

2005-09-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

I had chinese tonight and ended up with some cookies. I had 3 cookies, my original one...then two more just because I like to read whats inside, and I suppose they taste good too. Anyways I always find them cool, so here yea go.

Your sense of humor enables you to glide through life's difficult periods.

Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away.

Love is the law, love under will.

Figured It Out

2005-09-29T14:59:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks I have been going nuts inside my own head...if you havn't noticed. So many questions running constantly that couldn't be answered. I couldn't slow down the credits to unravel them so they would go away. And I am here to tell you....I've figured it out.

Tuesday I skipped first hour and went and hung out with my mom at her work. We sipped our coffees and I solved "all my issues". To fill you in a tiny bit, there was someone I liked. But it was really inconvinent and would be so much easier not to. Therefore I was trying to solve, A: Why do I like him? and/or B: Why can't I get over him? Sitting on the edge of my bed Tuesday morning with some spare time I figured it out. And have solved it for myself, and am past all of it.

On to someone better for my happiness. Who I just happen to talk to a ton today.....ahh, isn't lame high school stuff so much fun?!

So many things I can't wait for.

This is going to be a football weekend, I'm excited.

Don't want to vent about Drama because its all redundent and over rated.

Clocks are over rated. They are always a little fast or little slow. Why trust them?

What I Needed Most

2005-09-25T15:11:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been exactly what I needed. I love my friends, but honestly some times you just need to get away. Saturday I hung out with my sister all day. I went up and saw her at school and hung out with her friends, we watched movies. It was a lot of fun. Today I've just done homework here and there and beaded for my mom.

I think I just needed a breather from everything. A little time out, where I didn't have to sit and think of all the stupid stuff thats been going on....Monday may be gay though.

For once in my life I know exactly what I want....but can't have it. I hate when that happens.

My sister found a guy she wants me to date. He's really cute to, fun to hang out with. So basically now thats two guys that I could easily fall for. Cute, funny...and everything that would make me want them. And yet I can't. I feel like there is something wrong with me, whats so good about this other guy that makes me not want any one? It'd be so much easier...It frusterates me like no other. I've never felt this way, its almost pathetic.

The rain is pouring right now. I love the rain. Everything about it. I paused in my writing to just stare outside at it. Its letting up...why does a good rain never last? Rain reminds me of so many things...

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I love it.

Whatever

2005-09-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm just walking around doing the emotions. I'm never really happy. I havn't seen a long stretch of happiness since...we won't go into that. I'm constantly stressed. I bring stress on my self though I think. I'm a perfectionist. If I want to be involved in something I have to do it all my self, because the way other people do it bugs me. The talent show, all on my shoulders. I'm frickin running it and that stresses me out. I didn't realize I was completly doing it until it was to late. But then again, I guess I had it coming. I like being in charge...but its stressful.

My friends stress me out to. I feel like not one person I can completly vent to. Actually I hate venting. I don't feel important enough to explain my issues. I feel like every one elses, no matter what it is, has bigger issues then mine. If I do vent I feel like they are bored, so I don't bother any more. Then I get home from school and feel like I just walked through a day, just going through the steps.

I just had a f-ing book thrown at my head because I don't smile at home ever. Whatever.

I like a guy where it will never go any where. And I'm to 'lazy' to move on. And to scared from everything in the past to even want to attempt something new. I can't even go into how many rejections I've had over the last year. Whatever.

School isn't hard but I don't even feel like trying at the little things I have.

I constantly have a head ache. Whats that about?

When I ask someone to stop I feel like I speak a different language. No one ever just stops for me.

I have to go through the empty walk all over again in 10 hours...

Homecoming Adventure

2005-09-19T21:25:00.000-04:00

I have not wanted to add a post just because I didn't want Billie Joe to be moved lower on the page. Oh so hot! Any who. Homecoming was this weekend. The whole week I was really stressed out. Plans weren't going like they were suppose to, people were making them difficult and school was just blah. So all week I just wanted it all to be over with. But then Friday I had a lot of fun tailgating and going to the game. At the game I hung out with Emily, Hannah and Chad mainly because Kelly was with Zach and Chris and everyone else left early. They were really fun to hang out with, I normally don't much but it was a ton of fun.

Saturday I decided I was going to have fun if it killed me. So I changed my whole attitude and it actually worked. My hair appointment with Kelly was fun. Then at like 2 I was bored and had nothing to do until 6 when pictures were to be taken. So I went to my moms to bead with her, and we watched like 4 OC episodes. Then I went over to Emmaleigh's, every one took pictures and we headed out for dinner. Our group was fun, Zak, Casey, Mary, Chris, Me, Emmaleigh, Kelly and Zach. Ukai was awesome and I expected nothing less. But then we had extra time, so the cool people went to Meijer's. (Zach and Kelly went and did who knows what). But we went to Meijer's and got lots of candy. We had fun with the carts and getting funny looks for being really dressed up in the store. We got a crap load of candy then headed out for the dance. But not with out shouting "Newly-weds' so people thought we just came from a wedding...through the parking lot.

Once at the dance I expected the night to go down hill. But the first half of the dance I had a lot of fun, danced for once and mingled. I normally only dance if I have a date but I was walking around this time. Stupid wigger DJ didn't play anything but her f-ing music. Never played the song I requested for Zach. Oh yea, P.S. - Zach I requested 'King for a Day' By Green Day "From the Fabulous Six"...but she didn't play it. So at least you know!

After a while I got way to hot and ventured out side only to find Hannah, Chad and Chris. So I hung out with them and random others until 11. At this point Kelly, Casey, Zak, Chris, Chad, Mary, Emily T, and I went to NCG. We went and saw 'Just Like Heaven' which I expected to be cute romantic cheesy. Yes, cheesy is all it was. To many bad lines and I was disapointed. Which is hard to do. Its a one time movie that you watch on TV, not even rent...on TV. But we made up for it by going to Crispy Creme. Although they were out of original. How do you do that? We sat in the parking lot and ate them while blaring 'Sugar We're Going Down' and singing to loud for our own good.

On the way home we stoped and got Red Bull for Casey all though the other car thought it was a bread bowl. We got to my house around 3 and Chris went home, and Zach showed back up. We watched a little bit of TV before I noticed people were nodding off. So I suggested to fold down the couches, and we went "to bed" around 4. I slept about an hour, but it was in chunks at that. I listened to people venture to my room, talk in there sleeps, moan, and even fart. We won't go into who did what though...

The next day, Sunday I went out to lunch with my Aunt Debbie. Which was a good lunch, and I got birthday money. But remember the part about 1 hour of sleep. Yea I got home at about 5, and was feeling really sick. Couldn't keep my eyes open, and had a pounding head ache on top of other things. So I laid down at 5 in the afternoon, only to wake up at 11 that night. I walk downstairs and my sister confuses me by saying "Its Tuesday!". I grabbed some water and went back to bed, and was woken by my dad at 8 this morning. So I missed first hour, and slept a total of 15 hours....pretty rediculous.

Green Day

2005-09-12T00:30:00.000-04:00

The concert was so crazy. They played every song I wanted to hear. And Jimmy Eat World was a good start up band. We only heard two of their songs but they were my two favorites. But any ways, Green Day oh my fucking god...so rediculous. They have so much energy and Billie Joe has always been hot to me...but now its on a whole new level.

Some of the funny parts of the evening was, they had three kids go on stage to "start a band" and this chick got a fucking kiss from him...so jealous. Then a guy replaced her and he got a kiss to, just for laughs. But the guy who played Billie Joe's part got to keep the guitar, I would have killed for that. Also he mooned us a few times...interesting. And even jacked off on stage. But I guess he can pretty much just do whatever he wants so its okay.

Such an awesome concert, I would go see them again in a heart beat. I will definatly get tickets when they come back to Michigan next year.

Independent Film

2005-09-11T02:52:00.000-04:00

I went to the MSU game today. It was fun, although my morning was more then rocky. I wouldn't even know how to describe all of that. The game was fun and it was awesome seeing us win, again. Right as I was getting home Mary called me, and it was so nice to hear from her. We talked for about an hour and decided on doing something later. So I went and got her and Kelly at 11 and we went to NCG. We saw "Me and you and everyone we know". Please never see it. Disturbing. Its a drama and I thought so much to figure it out that I then felt dumb for not being able to. Well, in the end we decided there is no point, and it may have been worse then "Open Water". It was also R, so think of horrible...with R stuff in it...it was just disgusting. Some of it I wouldn't even want to repeat out loud...ugh.

After the movie we went to Taco Bell which was very satisfying. Mmmhhm. Then a guy pulled up that scared us, so we drove home. Its like....2:57, and I got home no more then ten minutes ago. Crazy.

Later today, after I basically take a nap...is Green Day. Fuck yea! I'll have to write all about that. We probally won't get home until 1 or 2, maybe later....so Monday at school shall be fun....

Slump

2005-09-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

I havn't written in a while because I'm sort of in a slump again. Either to busy, or for some reason depressed. Nothing really to bother me I guess, just seems that way. I feel like I am wasting all my time. Every day I come home from school and nap for at least an hour. Is that wasting my time? What else would I be doing, all my friends have homework or sports.

I have work. I work for a job that I'm not making money any more. With gas, I barly even break the amount of money a month I owe my dad. I'm freaking out. I say no to plans with friends just because I always have to drive and I just plain can't afford it. I make people pay me when I take them home. I don't like this. They say money isn't everything...but it is.

I went out to lunch today with Chris and Kelly. The whole town of Okemos was out of power. No resturants were open, and our beloved Best Buy was closed. That was the whole point in the trip...oh well. We went to Applebee's instead and we all ate to much. I feel like its one of those weekends where I need a late night adventure. I gave Kelly the homework of thinking of something we can do tonight, and stay out past midnight. She is suppose to get back with me on that later...if something cool happens, you'll be the first to hear about it.

Seven-Fucking-Teen

2005-08-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

I think birthdays get better each year. Well I think that would only make since, you have to 'out do' the last year. I'd say this year was definatly better then any other but thats thanks to the people that were a part of it.

My day was sort of in sections. I woke up in the morning at 7:30 and wasn't happy about it. I was pretty cranky all through the morning. See my dad recieved this 'ride along' nas car type thing from my grandma for his birthday and one of the days he could go do it was today. So him and I, and Ashley, Tony and Killian got in the car and drove like an hour and a half to Cementville or something of that nature with cement in the name. We got there and it was really foggy and we went and stood next to the track which was ginourmous. I have to admit I was a little impressed aside from my extreme crankiness and not wanting to be there. I don't know why, I think Killian made the car ride not so fun. But after sitting there for about 10 minutes they said that had to cancel for the day. So I was ready to leave, get on with my day. But instead Tony and my dad start looking at the cars blah blah blah. Ashley and I sat on this wall and just talked. They had nas car used tires on sale for $5 and she was obsessed with getting one. I said she was red neck. After 15 minutes or so they decided to let people go in these 15 people vans and go around the track at 70, so at least it wasn't a waste (and they would come back another week to do the ride along). So of course Killian wanted to, and that was really ghetto looking seeing a giant van trying to peel out. Pretty funny. Brady called me at some point during all this, and that was really nice of him. He wished me a happy birthday and we talked for a few minutes. That made me a little less cranky. Until it started raining while they were in the van. Ashley and I ran under neither the track and waited for them to finish where we then went home.

We got home around 11:30 and we went and met my mom. First I opened her presents which was fun becuase I already recieved all my other ones. From my sister, (OC season 2), my dad (blankets and stuff for my room I had wanted), and Meghan and Tony (Green Day tickets). So I opened my moms presents and she got me a shirt, 3 tank tops that would go with it and a sweater we are probally taking back. Also Some mints, batteries and lotto tickets. (The Last 3 items are inside jokes). And she had this really good looking reeses cake sitting there that looked very yummy and in fake I still havn't had any of it. I may eat some after adding this. Any who, then we went out to lunch at Bennigans which turned out very good. I sat and talked with my mom on stuff I hadn't told her about yet, vented a little bit. And her reaction was a lot better then I ever imagined. The three of us together if you can imagine is one of the funnest things in the world. I love my friends and hanging out with them, but a dose of my mom and sister is the best thing in the world for me sometimes. My sister over the summer became my best friend, she knows everything about me I swear. I mean, we worked together and our friends were busy a lot through the summer so she was the one I hung out with. Any who...on with the day. After lunch we went home and I parted for my dads.

I watched the final 2 epsisodes of my OC before people arrived. And I got a little bit of the Teen Choice Awards, actually I turned it on to the part I wanted to see which was awesome. Rachel Mcadams, so awesome. Any who after that Justin and Chris showed up. Justin gave me a very humours card and $10, Chris and I normally go shopping and/or a movie, so I'll look forward to that. Kelly showed up a little later with a baby voice "Wheres my birthday girl? There she is!!!". That made me almost die. After talking a little while we ordered pizza and by the time it got there Casey and Sara had also arrived. Oh, Kelly got me 'Annie' and 'Clue', and Casey got me 'Napolean Dynomite', which are all awesome movies. We talked and watched Fuse for a while and ate. We started one episode of OC, Sara left and the boys played darts. After a few minutes though my mom called and I couldn't tell if she was cracking up or crying. She was hysteric.

"Are there boys at your party?!"
"Yes..."
"Bring them over here...I have a mouse in the kitchen!!!!"
"Okay, we'll be right over"

So we all hop in the car and go rescue my mom from the mouse. Which turned out to be a mole, actually probally a schrew. It was on a sticky trap and after deciding we shouldn't kill it Chris pryed it off of the matt with a stick which was a good idea until its furr still had the stick, and had sticks and grass and dirt all over it then. We set it in the feild a little ways and went inside to chat with my mom a bit.

We returned to my dads house and watched the 'Blair Witch Project'. I loved this movie, maybe it was the setting. I mean Casey and Kelly seemed freaked out on either side of me and it made me want to get scared. It was intence in parts and I loved the ending. It sort of reminded me of 'Saw' with the basement and all that. But I really liked it. And you have to think about how you want to interperate it almost. I really liked it, even though Justin claimed I wouldn't. When people tell me I won't like something no one has ever been right. Any who, during a really scary part Rachel showed up and scared the crap out of us all. Mainly because the dogs barked, and she created mass confusion by going to the front door. But it made the 'scary mood' all the better I suppose. So she sat and finished the movie. Then as soon as it was over, we were still discussing it all and a little freaked out, and Zach showed up with his extremly loud knocking, lol. It was good to see him also.

After a while we put in 'Clue' which we were in and out of. For some reason at that point I couldn't focus, but it was still fun watching. Casey headed out after the movie followed by Kelly and Zach. Chris left a little bit later and Rachel and Justin mentioned leaving. But the three of us ended up talking about random things in the kitchen for about an hour. They left more around 1, and I really enjoyed talking with them.

I enjoyed the random group. Casey doesn't hang out with us much, or Sara or Rachel. And it was really fun to have them there throughout the night, it makes it better.

This was my best bithday so far. I havn't taken advantage of any of the perks yet but don't worry I will. Probally during next week while my dad is gone, and we have a 4 day weekend. And of course Kelly's bithday. Any who...Thank you all who came and made my birthday the best yet. I think next year would be hard to top this for me. I mean...friends, schrews, movies, and randomness...

Back Into The Swing Of Things

2005-08-24T23:01:00.000-04:00

I sat there tonight beside my sister watching OC, epsiode like 14 or 15 had just finished and it was 10:28. I said "my goal tonight is to shower, blow dry my hair and be in bed at 11. Well this would have worked except its 11:03 and instead I am posting. I think its tradition to write about how good/bad your first day of school was. But first, yesterday (being Tuesday) OC season 2 came out on DVD. I woke up early to go to Best Buy and purchase it. (Thanks to my sister who paid for it because my birthday is Saturday). And I watched 13 episodes throughout the day. Kelly was around for a while, and Jenny and Alise stoped in for a while too. I miss seeing them at school, and although it caused me to go to bed at about 1 I didn't want to pass up the last chance before they moved to college.

So the first day. A meeting in the auditorium that I always want to skip. I was just ploting how to kill myself while sitting there when Chris jumps over the seat and appears next to me (which was not the only time he did that all day). And he made the stupid thing go faster. Since freshman year we've been through the boring assembllys together. Any who, after this boring talk was first hour. I have it with Sara and it doesn't sound to bad. How bad can computers be? I'll catch up Mondays and Tuesdays and skip the rest of the week. Maybe...

Second hour. Kelly, Justin, and Chris to keep me company. Looking around at the group it could be another fun year or I could kill myself. The group can easily break or make the class...but I guess thats how all of them go.

Third hour with no one really. Only people in there is a little awkward, and I looked around to see if I could hang out with someone new this year. No canidates. The room was rediculous. I guess english will just have to suck...

Lunch, ahhh....Best lunch I could have hoped for. I deserved it after 3 years of no one to talk to in any lunch. Chris like usual, Mary, Kelly, Emmaleigh....and more who arn't at the table. Fun times.

Fourth hour shouldn't be to bad either. Jake, Brady and Chris are in it. Which will be awesome until the seatin chart. We talk to much...but its the only time I see them really. I can imagine I won't pay attention to much in there...haha, but looking around its all stupid people any ways.

Fifth hour I'm a TA for Nolan. I had to go to the auditorium and un-stack chairs for the next hour. Then I went back to the room and watched her freshman class. Silly little kids. One kid answered "I just want to leave this town" and I had to laugh...they have at least 3 long years ahead of them....suckers...

Sixth hour. Drama. The hour I was excited and nervous about all day. She annouced our top choices and I couldn't give a shit about either. I will be into the play don't get me wrong, and dedicated. Its just that I don't give a rats ass out of the two its down to, so I don't care about voting. I won't complain about either one...just don't have a preference I guess.

After school was rediculous. Well first I took Kelly home, which wasn't the rediculous part. Although I got to the car and realized I never saw Mary after school. Kelly just asked me for a ride and we got our stuff and left, and I didn't think until I got to my car that Mary probally had to take them bus. Well, maybe she had practise. Who knows. Any who...Then I watched one more episode of OC before taking an hour nap before work. I was completly out for this nap....that is the rediculous part. Then work made me cranky. To many people at both buildings and they were cranky, made me cranky, but at least its my last day for the week.....

Hope everyone enjoyed their first days...

Cedar Point

2005-08-22T11:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to Cedar Point which was a lot of fun. It was my dad, Aunt Judy, Chris and Mary. Chris and Mary's personalities made for a fun day. The three of us had a lot of fun, and Mary got to experience real roller coasters. We went on most rides. Tried out the new Max Air, which was pretty sweet. You stare at the ground straight below you and then fall forward, and at times feel upside down. We left earlier then normal because we were all pretty dead. The sun was tiring, and I started getting pretty hungry. We went to Outback for dinner which was very good. And the three of us talked through Michigan of the up coming school year...

I hate how every day my mind changes. I go through so many things a day in my head and its getting overwhelming. I feel like I am constantly pulled in every direction...excitment, stress, happiness, frusteration....I can't sort it out and the buzzing won't stop. I lay in bed at night with out sleep because I just lay there thinking. The car ride home yesterday I put my sunglasses on and laid there, thinking. Going through situation after situation...And you would think all this would sort stuff out, and its just getting worse I think. I can't stop it...I don't understand, and worse of all I don't know what to do.

For once I want to make the right dicision...

'Red Eye'

2005-08-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

Tonight after work I met Casey to see 'Red Eye'. It was everything I expected and was not disapointed at all. I will definatly buy this movie...it was just awesome. Rachel Mcadams is really good in it, I love how she is a bad ass. She isn't a whimpy girl like some stupid actresses in thrillers. She actually holds her own and is awesome. Cillian Murphy was also really good. You get to the point where you loath him just like her. You want him dead for fucking with you....

I don't want to give anything away, but it was rediculously good...I suggest to go see it.

Tomorrow I have my 'August Birthday' celebration with my family. This means half the family pretty much (me being one of them). So that will be fun, in the aspect I get some gifts. Yeah that sounds greedy. But I'm not going hide it...we all love getting stuff, just admit it! Then on Sunday I am going to Cedar Point. That will be my offical "End of Summer".

Today was my last day of work for a full week. Next week I go to Mondays and Wednesday. And this Thursday was the last time for babysitting Killian. So my summer is definatly winding down quickly. But Cedar Point will kind of have top it off.

I'm in a better mood latly. Not as depressed...more optimistic about the fresh new start of a year.

Old Diaries

2005-08-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

Ever since I started writing in Dairies online I've always wanted to print them off. I have a part of one Diary I printed like a year ago, but over the last few weeks I've been putting my old diary from Diaryland into word so I could print it easily. I finally finished today although I havn't printed it yet. It is 366 pages long and spans from 4-27-2003 - 7-11-2005. I think its cool I stuck with that one for so long...It was fun

Schedule and Up North

2005-08-14T20:26:00.000-04:00

I went up north this weekend and just got home a few hours ago. First off I got my schedule...

1st - Desktop Publishing / Word Processing
2nd - Video Production
3rd - English 12
4th - Sociology / Economics
5th - TA
6th - Theater Production

So ya, let me know if you have classes with me. Up north was a lot of fun. Well, not much to it. We vegged most of the time. Watched movies had fires at night. We watched "Mean Girls", "Life Aquatic", "Laws of Attraction", "National Treasure" and random disney things Killian brought. I want to own "Means Girls" and "Laws of Attraction". They both need to be added on my never ending list of "I want".

Coming home today Tony informs my dad and I that he is no longer going to Cedar Point. So my dad didn't want to go because we have no idea with Mary and honestly I assume she isn't. And we didn't know with Chris. So I was really upset because everything as already been fucked up and now he wasn't going at all. But then I told him we should take all the coins back from our huge coin jar, and he says all the money will go to the trip and we can go. And we also took pop bottles. Well he was hoping for like $40 so we could cover one ticket. Well we had a grand total of $118. ($20 of which were bottles, the rest was all just coins). So now we are going for sure, and have gas taken care of to. LoL.

And while walking into the store Chris found me and we chatted a bit. And he is for sure going, weather they actually did by the ticket that night when they were there or not...but he is going. And I think my dad is down stairs talking to my aunt. So we may be able to revive this trip. I hope so...its my last ditch effort to make this suck ass summer somewhat good. Trust me...I'm not set on that.

Quotes from the Weekend:

"Give me my fucking pillow!!"

"God damnit intern, you're getting a fucking 'A'"

"POOP!"

"Just think about the meadow with flowers!"

Reading

2005-08-12T18:18:00.000-04:00

I finished the 6th Harry Potter last night. By far my favorite. I really like how they have actually relationships going on in this one. It seems like everyone at some point 'snog' or whatever. Which amuses me. It just seems like for once they are more grown up. Besides that my other favorite parts, would give away to much.

But now I feel like I have nothing to do. I think for once I got myself hooked on reading. I mean since the day school ended I have read every night practicly. I read Harry Potter 3-6 because I was wanted to remember details and stuff. Any who, now that I'm done I want a new book but don't know what to pick up. We only have a week before school also which means I have to read something for english most likly. Although over the next week I don't want to loose my habit because perhaps I can actually read front to back, a book for school. I don't think I ever have because I feel I have no time. But now that I'm used to reading on all my down time instead of the TV or internet...I may be able to.

Random yes, and boring probally.

....Have a good weekend

Jungle Rave

2005-08-10T13:08:00.000-04:00

Last night ended up very random. I got out of work when I wanted to and thank god didn't have to do anything extra. So I called Mary and we had in mind the normal group and a few extras. Everyone we kept thinking of had plans already. And we finally got ahold of Sarah and she said the reason we couldn't track down any of the 'seniors' was because they were going to a raze at the green house.

So after Zach left and kind of waiting for it to get dark we headed out. I had no idea what to except. At first everyone was just chillin and eating and putting glow sticks on. Then at about 10 they all started to dance. Crazy music, glow sticks and dancing. I guess thats what the "Jungle Rave" was. Chris left after not to long, and I wasn't surprised. He hates dancing, as do I and Justin. Mary I thought did but she got right in there. It was more of 'flailing about' but I still wasn't all that interested. I had a lot of fun though, it was a different experince. Lots of random different people came which was interesting. We ended up leaving at like 10:30 though because I was so tired. I don't think others wanted to...but drive yourself next time. Latly I've felt if I'm tired, I want to go home, I don't care. I think its pointless to have to stay right until midnight if its not going to pick up from there. That was the height of the rave, so why screw myself over for today. I dono....theres a lot more on that topic, but whatever.

Happy Hump Day!

Another Weekend

2005-08-07T23:50:00.000-04:00

My weekend has been good, and I believe it all has to do with uncommon events. Friday I got out of work and had dinner with Ashley and Josiah at Old Chicago. It was fun, and Josiah cracks me up. I am so glad they are still dating, he makes her so happy. After dinner we went home and all hung out. Mainly in my room, with some music playing and Josiah drawing pictures on my white board. I didn't go to bed that night until 5:30 in the morning because I finished reading the 5th Harry Potter, then started the 6th that I had purchased that evening. Good so far, but I don't want to give my comments until I finish...

The next morning I went over to Marys pretty much until Kelly and I went to Justins. Zach, Kelly, Phil, Justin, Rachel, Mary and I were the group for his birthday thingy. We went to East Wood where we went to Johnny Rockets for lunch/dinner whatever. Then we went to Wedding Crashers even though only 3 out of 7 where 17....he he. Only 20 more days, do not fear...

The movie was hilarious, uncomfortable in parts...but honestly I was laughing constantly. I don't remember the last time I've laugh like that. And I don't think I was the only one. I know Rachel next to me laughed a lot also. She enjoyed the brother....until he got gross. I liked the nut job, and Rachel McAdams is awesome. She is so cute, and is so different with every role she plays. And I like that she is fairly new. Only 4 movies under her belt. Not a bad start...

Any who. Last night my house was empty, after the movie and cards and stuff. So I had all the snacks I was craving while sitting at Marys. Was online a little, and watched TV, and it didn't matter what with all the cable we have...because no one saw me...*insert evil cackle*

No really I'm a good kid....

Today I woke up around 11 which is early for not having a set time to be up...lol. Sad, yes. Any who, I showered and met my mom. We went to lunch at Olga's and I tell you. Shopping at the mall on Sunday's is outragous. There were so many hot guys I couldn't focus on anything. And one stared at me during my lunch, he was a hotty....Any who, my mom and I went to the Buckle where I found the tops for my Senior pictures. That was the point in shopping, to get my outfits for the pictures. I got 3 tops at the buckle. (shoes and pants don't matter, I'm wearing some I already have). So I got a white button down one that I know I'll wear a lot. We figured that would be for my black and white ones. Then that top goes under a green sweater I got. And I also got a green button down top. All three I love...I can't wait for my pictures. I showed Mary the tops, and she liked them.

After the mall my mom and I went to 7/11 and she got a slushy. This guy was talking to her and couldn't believe that slushys have been around for like 40 years and she had never had one. So he told the guy at the front desk that she should get it free. And it worked...all because my mom was a "slushy virgin' .

Then we went to NCG and she had me watch 'Wedding Crashers' again. Still funny, but the crowd didn't laugh as much so I didn't let my self laugh out loud much. Just kept it in more. I like crowds that are fun...

Now I'm sleepy, and have to do both jobs tomorrow...ugh. I hate Mondays....

Venting

2005-08-05T14:33:00.000-04:00

First off....Happy Birthday Justin! (It was yesterday but I never ended up posting anything....)

I have been depressed lately. I can't figure out whats really bothering me, but as a whole I have just not been happy. Me and my dad are fine again, my mom is being her usual self (selfish...only thinking of herself). I feel like even when I have time to get out and be with my friends I feel like I'm really fake. Putting up a front like I'm happy. I mean, I've just been so lazy in my down time and just don't want to do anything. Everything seems like an effort to me. I feel like even going and seeing my friends is such and effort and its almost a turn off. Like, thinking of gas to get places, money I don't have, then paying for stuff once we go somewhere. Its like I'd almost rather stay home. I know that sounds horrible....but for some reason I'm in this giant rut of unhappiness and I can't get out. I don't know exactly what it is, or what will fix it.

Also I think I've been complaining a lot in here....maybe its more of venting...but, sorry.

Betrayed

2005-08-03T16:21:00.000-04:00

My family has always run pretty well on trust. Any one who knows me real well knows that I can tell my parents anything I want and it works out fine. I don't have to lie to them when I am hanging out with friends, and because they trust me they let me do whatever I want. I would only assume my parents would use the same respect for me and tell me things they do. Am I wrong thinking that?

Over the past two weeks or so I have run into this not being true with my dad. He for once in his life is starting to date. See, he pretty much never did before my mom, married her, and hasn't dated since. Well my aunt kind of helped him hook up with this lady she works with I believe and last week he went to a dinner thing at my aunt and uncles house. It was a group of like 6 couples, this one girl, and my dad. Since my mom dates I am totally fine with it. The thing I am not okay with is my dad leaving me in the dark about it. My sister hears everything and he tells her all about it. Me...oh no. I find out from my mom who my aunt called up and told. So isn't that nice...I hear from my mom my dad has a date. Finally since he knew I found out about it he told me and had me help him get dressed ect. So I figure since he knows I'm okay with it him being secrative would go away. But no. I find out from my other aunt this weekend, and my sister...who I guess also knew...that he had then been following up and calling her. No big deal.....but why tell everyone but me?!

AND come today my dad says he is going to my Aunt Judys to spend the night, and tomorrow they are going to play golf. I found this a little random but he said she just is gettin bored being unemployed. So I notice as he is getting ready that he seems a little dressed up just to go spend the night at his sisters house. And he smells good when I hug him goodbye. Yeah, that may sound wrong...but my dad never wears any cologne or anything, and is making an attempt to. So he leaves and I walk down stairs and ask Ashley, "is dad really only seeing Aunt Judy tonight?" and at first she didn't know what I was talking about then said, "What...oh, no...he has a date tonight".

Thats just awesome. Why does my dad feel that he has to keep stuff from me. I feel like he is lying to me. I have always told him everything, and have never had to lie to him, or keep stuff from him because I thought we were all honest. Is he being a role model showing me its okay to lie? Maybe that is a bit extreme, but I feel like he doesn't deserve to hear the truth about my nights any more....I don't know...I feel betrayed almost...